misplaced and a little misunderstood...

You'll have to excuse me.  I haven't been me for awhile now.  I think its been about 33 years.  I cant say its been an up hill battle.  And it certainly wasn't all bleak.  But I knew from the age of, I'd say, 7,  that I didn't feel the way people-kids-felt at my age.  And here's the problem; because of how I was feeling, I acted out, in all kinds of ways, but it all came down to anger, in the end.  It defined me. It was like I had a label on my head that says "Bad Temper; won't change" .  Its how people knew me.  My parents, my sister, her friends, my parents friends.  I was set in stone and I was only 7.

Now I know some who read this will challenge it.  But it is my truth.  Its from my perspective.  It was my life.  It was how I lived and breathed.

So I should explain, a few months ago, I underwent a major mental health over haul.  So for the last 7 months, I have been in intense therapies, one after another.  Group, counsellors, and psychiatrist.
And I've learned a few things.  Well, a lot' but that's another day maybe.  But one major thing I have learned do over the years is to replace one feeling I'm having with another.  Sometimes when I'm mad, but don't think I can show it, I go to sad.  When I'm sad, I act mad.  Like really , really mad.  And I feel this part is important. So listen close, I need you to understand.  I have Bipolar 2.  So I feel the extremes. Imagine your extremes and magnify them by 100.  I'm juuuusssstttt passed that.  No, really.  I'd imagine to some it would sound like an excuse.  But please understand I feel all feelings so. very. much.

I remember being young and the rage I'd feel, I would feel super human.  Black out Rage.  And not only did I suffer from the discipline that led after, I suffered in my room and often cry myself to sleep.  I needed help, but I just didn't know what that meant.  That being said, I do not hold my family accountable.  Back then mental illness was still taboo, and I would have been extremely hard to deal with unmedicated.  The natural shift would be to my sister.  She was an easy, good kid.  And I knew I'd never fit that.  I learned to not want to.  That was easier.

My husband and children have lived this with me too.  It would get so ugly and in my heart I couldn't hold back the anger.  Hate myself after? You bet I did.  This went on for too many more years. And I once again felt like I'd let my husband down, or my kids.  I felt like and ugly monster. And I was spiralling.

So recently the challenge has been to find the balance in my emotions.  Stopping and thinking first what emotion I really am feeling.  I literally have to go against the grain.  And it isn't easy my friends.
But I have really great doctors and really great meds.  Not everyday do I apply what I learn.  I fail.  Not everyday am I strong.  Sometimes I'm angry that my brain doesn't function like most of you.  But I promise you I'm trying.  My hearts in it.

So, Yes, I haven't been me for awhile.  But I'm gonna wait this out, and see what tomorrow brings.

Then Along Came YOU...

To My Long Lost Pen Pals,

My insides are empty or too full and I just had to write you guys about it.  First I guess I should say that its not everyday or every life time that you find friends as good as you.  True, I know some great people. People with beautiful hearts but they tend to take a back seat to you all.  Our hearts are the same.  They survived some horrible and hard things, separately but they started aching less when we found each other. I love you guys like no other.

Now I'm not being creepy or weird or however this sick world would want to twist my feelings, I love you in the purest of ways. We were made to love people that just get us so much, they almost become an extension of ourselves. We aren't whole until we are together.

How did we end up so broken at the same time?  I find some days I scramble to find the right words to help you because, often, I don't even have right words to help me.  But some how, together, we make it through a whole day, every hurdle, and we pick up all the tiny broken pieces that fell at our feet. 

I've heard it said that not everyone that you love can love you the way you need.  I think, between you and me, we slowly found each other, and we found exactly what we needed in each other. We used to think we had to live broken, with not one soul that felt like us.  Then along came YOU. 

You saved my life.  I don't say it enough.  I don't ever say it maybe.  But my heart was shattered and starting to sink.  My mind held on to so many ugly  and scary things.  I had a enough friends but I didn't have ones that I could voice my terrible train of thought to. Then along came YOU.

My dear friends, In this system we are going to struggle.  We are going to fight.  We are going to need fixing.  We are gonna need ambulances and doctors.  Medicines and mediators.  We are gonna need a place to sleep, a place to collapse.  We will need a shoulder to cry on and a hand to grasp so tightly.  Then along will come YOU.  I know that.  I sleep better knowing that in fact.  

But we will also have anniversary parties, and craft shows.  Sleepovers and matching clothes.  Growing babies and vacations.  Girls night and double date night... Painting and distressing.  beautifully scrolled words and big giant bows.... Facetime calls and very late night chats...cuz along will come YOU...

I asked dry shampoo more than it was capable of....

Today was gonna be a hard day.  Nothing un-ordinary was going to happen.  In fact it was going to be a very,  very basic day.  And those are my hardest.  For so many reasons, but thats not where I'm headed to day. 

I asked my dry shampoo to do more than it was capable of, I needed to save 5 day old hair and make it epic.  Today my brain told me, if I could just get that one thing right, my day would be good. Possibly even great. At first I thought that about my lipstick(which is a new love of mine).  But once I got that reddy-orange lip on I thought, Well, who are you kidding lady.  So I took the next five minutes and three baby wipes to get that off.. Hence, NEEDING the dry shampoo to fix me.

Well I combed and I sprayed and curled and sprayed and combed... and so on.  But Here I was.  Stumped that it wasn't fixing my day.  

Its like when your whole life is messy.  In complete disarray, and you think, If I could just get my home to show home status, my inner issues would be tidier too.  If I could just arrane the cutlery to look like a magazine article I once read, all would change in my life and we'd be on the right track.

But, do you know what guys.  Its not really ever gonna work.  If you think I tidy kitchen will make for a tidy mind, your set up for failure.  like, Im saying, I know Chip and Joanna Gaines, gots it goin' on but we have no idea the shape of their minds.  I dont even know how much dry shampoo chip uses.  And even if I did, it STILL doesnt mean hes OK.

Ok, Ok. I got off on  a tangent.  I dont want you to think I'm preaching here.  Im more trying to convince me.  Its not the perfect kitchen that looks like Oprah Winfrey's country cottage in the Hamptons thats gonna change your day.  And its definitely not the dry shampoo that Taylor Swift uses.  (unless Im buying the wrong kind) Its either is or isnt a good day and thats all up to you.  

And maybe just a little tidy kitchen and dry shampoo...!?

And it made me think of You...

Dear Tousin,

I had to write and tell you that I had to retire our favorite mug.  The pink and cream one with blue on the inside.  And it made me think of you.  That place is are happy place and where our minds have gone when we are tired. Or defeated.  Sometimes, (and these are the best times) we go there to remember the happy times.  But what happens when we retire that mug?  But I tucked it somewhere safe and I can look at it everyday.  I might not get to use it, but all the same thoughts are there.  Why do they make those mugs so fragile?  When I hold it, it keeps me above water.  It makes breathing easier. Makes my whole heart happy.

How's your heart been since we last spoke?  You said it was fine the last time, but as I always say, we've "changed a few times since then", and to tell you the truth, I never believed you anyway.  If money were never the issue, Id come, just for a little weekend, share a couple cups and maybe a glass or two.  Sometimes I think we start repair our cracks one sip at a time, one truth at a time. Why do they make hearts so fragile?

I know you been thinking lots about your health lately.  I know its part that number your reaching and part this time of year.  I can almost feel all those stitched up cracks pulling and making you just so uncomfortable.  I cant help but wonder if your taking a few more sips, just to seal up the hurty parts.  Use that mug.  I bet yours is stronger than mine.

Maybe its time for you to plan a new adventure.  Rent a car, head to Niagara. Or pass it and go straight to New York.  Go somewhere that helps you breathe. Somewhere that gives you a life line.  Some place that gives a floaty and keeps you above water.  A place that doesn't necessarily make you forget the time of year, or the numbers, but a place that  gives you fresh air and another happy memory.

And bring me back a mug while your at it...:)

Love you, as always,

Me

You eat, We'll evaluate you...

For as long back as I can remeber I knew my emotions ruled me.. I didnt know what that meant or if it had a name.  I dont know if I ever even thought it was a "something". 
But I knew the control I had over them was limited and I knew, given the right (or wrong) set of circumstances I had the power to break someones heart, or make them
the happiest person in the room.  I didnt like that power.  I loved that I could make people laugh.  Or that I could sense a sad heart and it didnt make me uncomfortable.
But i knew if i was ever angry enough I cut cut someone to the ground.  And that was someone I didnt want to ever be.  But my heart of hearts knew, I had little
control over that. 

I've heard it said that the highs that bipolar experience sound kinda good.  You can get things done, accomplish all of the tasks, all of the time.  Your charasmatic and funny and
unstoppable.  Yes, they say, the lows must be awful, but, oh, Those highs.  And YES even people with bipolar have said that.  Maybe even me in jest.
But its not the glamourous ideas that you read about in the books.  We dont ever like to tell of our lowest of lowes.  Or baddest of bad moments.  None of us do.  Bipolar or not.
We tend to keep that stuff close to the chest. But I live in this constant (yet subtle)fear, that I wont be able to hide one of those moments.  Or that the low will take
me so low, that I wont see a way out.

Three years ago (or was it 4?) I had a nervous breakdown.  I was 28.  My world crashed to a grinding hault and I was almost literally immobilized.  All that was good in my
life turned grey.  Looking after my 4 year old was all but impossble.  Id lay in my bed and cry because my insides ached on a menatl level. And there were never the right words
to get that point across to those that loved me most.  I told next to no one.  I was emnbarrased or scared or maybe too depleted.  I dont know. But every night I begged Jehovah
to take that way from me.  Please dont let me wake up one more day like this. WHATEVER that meant.  I could find not one piece of relief.  Everything that made
me happy was broken.  And I was left will this empty shell.  I almost kept that hidden from everyone.  Except for a rare few, I fought that battle alone, inside my head.  What a hero.  What a stupid, stupid hero.

One day, half way through a Sunday meeting, I looked at Geoff and said, "I'm done".  We left my daughter with my sister, got in our car and went straight to emergency. There, they immediately put me in pysch part of the ward, under observation for a few hours. They grilled me with questions under fluorescent lights, cameras on the walls and my lone bed.  A security officer stood watch outside my room.  After hours of be watched on the cameras, they released me with nothing more than a "come back tomorrow and see the psychiatrist."

I went home seething.  I begged for my life and they gave me a referral.  I wasn't going back when I put my head to my pillow that night.  I woke up at 8 a.m. and made Geoff skip work to take me to that psychiatrist.  How can you beg for your life back or even relief, but not do the leg work.  There I went through all the same questions as the day before and then some. Then was sent away to have lunch.  You eat, we'll evaluate you.  Well ask you gruesome, gut wrenching questions, then give you an hour break.  It was as fun as it sounds.  What I'm trying to convey here I,s that, it was hard.  It hurt.  It was almost unbearable. It wasn't glamourous. And all that I normally got to keep tight to my chest was out there for a perfect stranger to assess.  But I do love cafeteria food and hospitals.  So that part was ok.  (If I don't have my humour, I got nothing some days.)

That day I walked away with a cocktail of meds that really really ended up working once they were in my system.  But what I really noticed was, there was a storm in my head and once it poured, the clouds cleared and I was left without heavy bricks on my shoulder.  I went home and slept.  In the coming months, My husband got his wife back and my daughter her mom.  And I could breathe.

You might think, well here you are again, struggling.  But you're kinda wrong.  Okay, yes I'm in an all out battle with my head.  But this time I was quicker for help and I have one, very effective reminder.  I survived, what I once thought was stronger than me. And that's something all in itself.

Best Pancakes Ever!...

It's funny, you know, this world.  Yesterday I needed to google a pancake recipe. So I input "best pancake recipe".  This first one that came up was labelled "best pancake recipe ever". Well, move over Paula Dean, I'm making pancakes.

I glanced at the recipe to see what made it the best. 2 different types of sugar? In my very limited modest abilities that can barely be called cooking, I thought, "yup, this is the one!" TWO SUGARS, GUYS!!

So I whipped that up with Anna screaming/crawling around my legs. No worries. It's gonna be worth it, it is the best ever, after all! Well once I figured the recipe made them too runny and burner was up too high and I should of waited a little before flipping it(although it made for some interesting looking pancakes)we had 5 BEST EVER pancakes, hot and ready to go.

Well let me tell you, they were nothing to write home about. They were very standard and maybe a teensy bit burnt. Two sugars? Pfft. No difference. They just didn't live up to their label. It was kinda disappointing, given what I was expecting.. But we ate them, and even had 2 leftover for my middle of the night snack. Fuel, so I could write this. And I actually think they were better this early morning. Especially with the right toppings!

I just really feel there is a lesson in here somewhere.  Often in life we have these dreams and they are often quite "promising".  you look close at them and they seem to have all the "ingredients" to make a perfect life.  Even enough variety to be unique. Your own kinda special. You don't for see all that could go wrong or all the distractions along the way that make it tricky. You get busy dreaming, you forget you might have to dial back the" temperature" abit, because too many things can burn you out.

But, you guys, that's not to say you can't have "the best life ever".  Your not hooped before you even start. Everything we do, with the right attitude is a good story- even what might seem mediocre. Really hard, horribly gone a rye, "misshaped" obstacles, can can make for a funny/fun life.  And you never know when, in the middle of the night or in a dark time, something you made/dreamed/planned, gets you through, fuels you, if you will, to the next day.

Or maybe the lesson is, don't google "best pancakes" and expect that to be what you get, haha...

Make Believe With Me...

We are taught from a very young age to "Make Believe".  Everything put before us was colorful and beautiful and shiny.  It still is for my girls too.  Every movie we watch, so full of make believe, I end up wishing the world to be that colorful too.  I still get the appeal in those movies and lets be honest friends, I bring my kids to see those movies, but I bring my little ol' damaged heart too.

So I'm hoping and hoping that I can "make believe'" to a day where I understand the balance of my whole life.  Does that sounds depressing or funny?  If you know me, you know I mean it funny but I think your all coming around to the idea that all my humour has deep seeded sadness.  HAHA.  But all the good ones do, am I right?

But really, all the movies, these toys and games, they all try to make you see the positive.  Be your own hero.  (you don't need no man, haha), know one day you'll make it, even if your not sure how.  Every terrible step that makes our feet ache also makes our heart beat a little faster and makes you feel a little something.  Relentlessly pray that your feet can take the pressure and your heart wont give out. 

And heres the thing, Friends, Those little tiny bodies we take to see to those bright, glitzy movies, are always watching us from the corner of their eyes,(and sometimes even more obviously ha) They are the most hopeful for these make believe worlds that we have built around them.  They are a lovely thing.  Keep them up for as long as we can.  Because I don't want it to be me that topples those dreams.  Not the way I act or what I say or ESPECIALLY how I make them feel.

Look, I know I'm 32 but I think I'm gonna make believe, just a little longer...I have a couple of good reasons...

The Pattern of Me

When I walked in to that Doctor Office that day, I knew who I was.  I had a handle on me.  I knew when I went to bed at night, what made me, me.  But I walked out gone.  The person I knew to be me, had up and disappeared and I was left with what felt like a stranger in my heart.  To you maybe, that seems impossible.  Or dramatic. And I guess maybe its both.  But its also true.

Going in there that day, I was looking for help, for a new med, maybe a break. But mostly help.  At least I went in for the right reasons. Because coming out, I needed to be ready to take on a monster.  My own head and sadly, I guess, my heart.

Since having Anna, my moods have been all over the place. Which is expected post partum. But for some one like me feels all the normal "feels" are much more extreme.  But I knew and expected that, in all honesty.  So the day came where I recognized that I needed to see my doctor and I needed to be better for my family and for me. So in I went. But out came a stranger.

The diagnosis?  Bipolar Disorder.  Now you might think, C'mon, someone like you never thought of that possibility before.  And truthfully, I had. Many years ago.  But long enough ago to know, I wasn't likely taking an honest evaluation of me. Sure I knew I had ups and downs, but I thought the ups were me as a person and the downs were depression.  It wasn't until walking out of that appointment and slept on it, that I truly looked back on my timeline and seen the very clear pattern of "me".

The "me" I know, when she is happy, was/is the life of the party.  I'm fun, out going, happy, energetic, spontaneous.  I have a total false confidence.  But sometimes, mid day, mid evening, or mid-night, all that slips away in a matter of time. Seconds, sometimes.  And I am left with the "other me".  My future feels bleak in those days or hours or whatever.  I have not one tiny hope in my very tired body.  All my goals of yesterday are insurmountable. Unattainable and mostly- unimaginable.

Through a night I can clean my entire home.  Organize the pantry.  Wash, dry and put away the laundry.  I can meal plan for a week.  Budget.  Plan my life.  Water the plants.  All while my family sleeps.  Then I can get them up and do all the things I need to do that day. And repeat,  until who knows when.  And then as fast as my mind races, I'm back to bed barely able to feed my kids, let alone me. And repeat, until who knows when.

So here I am.  2:16 a.m. two coffees in and processing this stranger I came home with.  You know that saying, "I knew who I was this morning, but I've changed a few times since then."  It rings in my head over and over.  I guess it doesn't have to be a bad thing.  And properly cared for, I can be a good mom/wife/friend. And I'm no stranger to mental illness but I'm in a foreign field, it feels like, and I'm so tired of the ups, because of the downs.  But mostly, I'm just tired...

Our 2015

I can't believe 2015 is almost over.  It's been a year, but I don't have to tell you that. You've been listening.   Thank you for that.  I feel like we grew uP this year.  We changed.  We fell apart, all the while falling into a new place.  I guess that's not all bad but I'll tell you this much, it hasn't been easy either.   My best dream and my worst nightmare all fit into one picture.  If that's not truly scary, I'm not sure what is.

Of all the things Geoff and I have survived, this year was our greatest accomplishment to date. We struggled between holding on to what hurts us to our very core, to running full force forward into days that aren't so ugly.  Do you know what I mean?  The beauty of life, I think, can be, that the days keep on coming no matter what.  You can't stop them and you can't hurry them.  But day in and day out they pass by.

Not ONE day passes by do I not look at Grace and remember something that makes me lose my breath.  Some days, I'm gasping for air, quite literally. And that's the truth.  Especially as we get closer to our "1 year anniversary".  My quietest moments are my hardest, when I'm least expecting it too.  But, this year didn't leave me with nothing, that is for sure.

What we think about, what brings us back around, is remembering those who got us through the rough days.  As long as I remember the horribleness, I will NEVER forget, the family and friends that were by our side and I don't just mean literally.  You really learn who your real friends and family are when they give you all that they can, when you simply have nothing to return.

We had people that barely know us, send Gracie gifts.  We had people who NEVER met us, send donations. We had people we barely talk to, drop by the hospital as soon as word got to them.  We were included in prayers that we so desperately needed.  We had people that visited EVERY SINGLE DAY.  We have people that still ask, if we are ok.  Our tiny family has seen first hand how closely knit Jehovahs people are.  And especially how well Jehovah provides.  That alone makes this year survivable.

Now that this year pretty much over,  I know how we survived.  I know we managed, even though we're still not sure the storm is over.  But I do know this, none of us are the same people that went into the storm...

I should buy a boat...

My thoughts run wild and free and I know so little about controlling them.  As a person with mental health issues(that I try not to make a habit of talking about, ha) my thoughts are often panicked and quite frantic.  They drift between, wondering how to be the perfect house wife, mom, and friend, to, "should I get a dog?".

This is not a joke.  Sometimes on my worst days, I think, I should surprise the family, really shake things up.  Bring home a adorable puppy.  Then our lives would be so much more complete.  Meanwhile, I haven't properly cleaned my own home.  We need groceries to fill the fridge and my hair is in desperate need of washing.  But I cant think in a straight line.  And a puppy could fix everything.

Thats insane I know, and I''m almost always able to reign those thoughts in, or, have someone else help me.  So, no, we don't have a puppy and I don't even want one today.  TODAY.  At least in this moment.  At least not before lunch. HA!

But people like me, or, ha, just me, when we get the energy AND the idea on the same moment, we, me, tend to run with it.  Pack it all in, because we don't know when that's all going to come crashing down, quite frankly.

So yes, I'll wake up one morning and decide to paint the bathroom, while spring cleaning between coats drying.  I'll clean out the car and gut the house, take the bottles to the depot, and mow the lawn.  I'll do that in a morning, because I can.  The next day I could be in bed all day.

I feel the lows but on man do I feel the highs, haha.  And those frantic thoughts make up me.  At least at this point in my life.  So from the outside I may look like I'm under control but on the inside, I'm wondering if I should buy a boat?

Pay Attention, Tousin

Dear Tousin,

I've been thinking of you lots in the last few days.  Its funny, on my really good days my thoughts drift to you.  And on my really bad days, my thoughts drift to you.  You are woven  through out my days and attached wholly to my life.

I cant help, in this last year, to think how quickly our lives can change.  And I think our lives can get so busy that we cant even tell.  We can wake up one day and realize we aren't even who we were the day before. Maybe sometimes, we give too much of our selves away and maybe sometimes we are robbed of something.  Some days, I think its both.

You truly gotta grasp at those good moments and store them away for when they'll next be needed.  Our good moments can change us too.  Pay attention.  Remember, its those sips of coffee that make you relaxed.  Those late night conversations with the ones you love the most, that remind you there's some one who gets you.  Its that time you grabbed someone's hand when you know they cant find the right words to tell you what they are feeling, that make you strong enough.  Its the song lyrics that run through your head when you cant bear the thoughts of what you are really thinking, that make you smile in spite of it all. Its that picture that makes you feel as happy as you were in that exact moment, all over again.

Tousin,  I cant say what the next few hours can bring let alone the next few years, but I do know that we have each other, and thats better than most anything.  I KNOW hard days come but I know they leave too.  I KNOW sometimes its just the breathing that is the hardest, but I know that relief comes to those who are looking.  Pay attention.

And remember, I love you=)

Katie

Just you wait..

One thing I know is waiting can be so hard.  It covers so much.  We can be waiting for something physical, like a new purse or a new coat.  Or even for SOME body. I''ve been apart from my sister for over a year now, and just recently found out shes coming home. That wait was uncomfortable.  My parents, just last night, had to wait until today to put my sisters cat to sleep.  That physcally probably ached.

  I have friends that are waiting to heal physically.  To get full use of her leg back.  And to throw away her walkers and wheel chairs.  She waits with a 7 month old baby in her lap and a 5 year old holding her free hand.  She waits for her husband to come home and share in the struggle of that day.  She sometimes looks at us and what we been through and wonders when that ache she feels in her heart will go away. But she'll have to just wait.

Today I was going around my house cleaning and feeling fine when certain memories I had stored away of our first night in the hospital came flooding in.  I remember those exact terrified feelings I had as we lye in the hospital just waiting for  6 a.m. to come.  To meet the surgeon and explain our stand on no blood.  Then I remembered, the waiting for Gracie to come out of surgery.  And, oh gosh, waiting for her to heal.

Friends,  I'm at home today waiting for that sick feeling to leave and once again feel normal.  I pray fervently today for one relieved breath of air.  I wait for what was robbed from us early this year to come back.

As i take sips of my tea, I wait for it to calm my insides.  And i just hope it happens soon.  As I sit and wait for that sweet child of mine to get off that bus.

What happens behind closed doors.

Never underestimate the power of a freshly cleaned house.  You can say you dont think like that, you can say you dont get it, but id call you a liar.  There are few things in life that make you feel like you have it all together.  It goes: Clean house, clean car, matching ginch.  In. That. Order.  Ok maybe your order varies- but having all those things makes you feel successful.  Complete.  Satisfied.  If you have them all done at once- heaven help you- nothing can stop you.

Today I had the desire, mixed with necessity, to clean something in my house.  I wasnt too sure what I'd tackle, but I knew I wanted to do something.  I have found myself with extra hours in a day, since Grace is at school.  And with a brain like mine- you need to keep it busy!!  So I tackled first, my main floor bathroom and Laundry room.

 I hate clutter- but I have so much of it.  I like to hide what I can behind closed doors.  If at all possible-eliminate it completely.  So I moved cleaning supplies to under the bathroom sink, made use of some decorative storage bins my sister left me to half hide/make pleasing to the eyes, and stacked some towels neatly on the shelf for convenience sake for the hot tub.  Then I found I had a whole ledge free..  I went down to the basement for a hunt and found pictures I wasn't currently making use of and displayed them..I got rid of the stuff I toss on the dryer from the "things"that I find in Geoff's pockets and wiped down the washer and dryer.  And although that room is still far from what I want it, I gotta say, I dont hate it.

Next, I moved on to my pantry... If you're picking up anything from reading this, you realize, we like to hide our mess..  For one, its the fastest way to clean up and two, out of sight out of mind... right?  Well at least for a little while.

I found expired foods, that I obviously took with us when we moved.  What a waste of money and space and energy.  I hucked all that.  I found a extra shelf under my sink and used that to stack all the spices I don't use but refuse to throw away(who knows when you'll need them)  I sorted, rearranged, and purged some more.  You wouldn't believe how much room I now have.  Maybe Ill get more spices, who knows.

Last but not least, I moved to my fridge.  While Geoff and I had did a cleaning on it last week, we really didn't "clean"it.  So after hucking old left overs, old juice, and such, I wiped it down. We loomk less disgusting now.  HAHA

Man, if you dropped in right this second, you might actually think I have it all together.  Mind you, there's stacks of laundry around the living room and piles of clothes in our room, my counters could use a good wipe and my floors a good mop.  But those 3 things, well you'd be sorta impressed.

So yea, never ever underestimate the power of a clean house. Trust me.  It'll change your day.

School days...

Well, I made through Graces first week of Grade One.  Some of you were going through that whole process with me.  Some of you are just starting this week.  Of course its nice to have "free time" (HA), but its so hard to watch them go.  Why is that?

The school supply list is way more immense and detailed then when I was her age.  You need so much more things and they aren't cheap, I'd like to add..  but I got every last thing, just hoping it makes her experience that much easier.  But you know what, I wish I could send Gracie with a lot more things than what can fit in her back pack...

I hope she knows that there will always be mean people in this old world and they can say hurtful things, but we are better than that.  Let it go.  Be so much better than them.  Dont let those words reach your heart-  theres no room in there for that.

I hope she remembers all her pleases and thank yous.  Her kind smile and her big heart.  I hope she goes out of her way to make sure her others are ok.  I hope we instilled that in her by now.

I hope shes as funny at school as she is at home.  Its ok to speak up and say your funny little things. Oh, I hope she doesn't take herself too seriously.  I know, last year she really struggled with her voice.  I hope she knows its ok to get caught talking too much.  Her mama would get it.  Theres just so many things to be said, haha.


I hope when shes tired, home is her first thought.  I hope she knows that everything her dad and I have made together has been exactly for her.  Every throw pillow she cuddles up on, every blanket we throw on her and all the comfortable stuff in between, is waiting for her at home, exactly how she left it.


But I really really hope that she remembers that she was once all mine.  I guess she doesn't need to know that right now, but if in a few years she can look at me and say- You gave me some of my best days-  well-  there'd really be nothing better in life than that. I guess even if she doesn't-  Ill know she gave Geoff and I, ALL our best days.

Our Hardest Year

As many of you know, the end of last year was very stressful.  To this day- over 9 months later- we are trying to process what happened.    While it is a success story, it's one of the scariest kinds.  Because it happened to us.  It's heavy to tell. I've said the story many times in the last six months, but the agony is fresh on the surface.  And this story didn't just happen to me or  to my little family. Like any true battle story, it took a small army to survive.

In December of last year our little girl got extremely sick.  She had been throwing up for days and couldn't eat and got so little rest, to the point where we had to take her to emergency.  We armed ourselves with a blanket, iPads, chargers, water and hunkered down in emergency for the entire night.  We had been there so long I made Geoff ask if we could check out.  We were so tired and almost delirious, an she'd been up for days being sick.  The nurse strongly recommended we stay, so we did.  Not long after, they had us in A room.  They quickly gave her I.V's to rehydrate her, as she was seriously lacking and they gave her something to to stop the vomiting.  After a time, they figured she had a urinary track infection and sent us home.  But we turned right around and brought her back when the vomiting restarted.

Well  this time in the E.R. they x-rayed her belly.  And we immediately realized she swallowed something.  When I questioned her, she told me she swallowed a bunch of magnets.  14 to be exact.  12 of them forced to connect in different parts of her bowels and burrowed tiny holes throughout trying to attach.  Her bowels had started to shut down in the process.

Upon seeing the X-rays I started to bawl. Friends- I was so tired.  And now we had an answer.  Without the doctors saying, I knew we had a scary road ahead.  No one had to tell me we needed surgery, although they did.  My poor baby.  15 minutes after taking her X-rays we were in the back of the ambulance on out way to one of the greatest hospitals. Now I can't hear sirens and not think about my baby.

I should tell you, by this time, by request and by fluke, we had a small group of friends that met the ambulance at the hospital. All they could do was wait.  And let me tell you, they were key to surviving this story.

We had to wait out the night for our surgeon.  So they admitted us to a room. And we waited and dozed.  But six a.m. Comes around quickly, and before we knew it we were being wheeled into the operating room.  After being grilled about the blood situation and us refusing to allow it,  Geoff took her in, while I waited In the hall.  When he came out, we felt so done, and, trust me when I say, we were just starting.

Again, when we came around the corner, there were our friends, waiting with hot coffees and warm breakfast.  They were life savers, or at least they made the next few hours bearable. I wouldn't replace them for anything.

Well, as I said, a few hours later, they brought our baby back to us.  Albeit, one nasty battle scar, but I'll take every little piece of her.  We ended up having to stay in the hospital a week before they released us. She had to not eat for days, then it was Ice chips. It didn't appease our little girl, she'd look at us and say- can I have something?  Anything?  Throughout this my heart- our hearts- found a million different ways to shatter.  But at least we had our baby.

We weren't home two days when I realized something was wrong with Gracie again.  She was acting extremely lethargic and walking was near impossible, so after another evening in our e.r. And another long night at home we were back to strollers having more x-rays.  Not hey did find a small fluid sac, that could be normal in her abdomen just below her incision.  We had an extremely good doctor and pushed to keep her in For observation.  Can you believe we ended back in our exact same room?  Although I was tired, I was so relieved to be right where I knew we'd be looked after, should we need it.  And man, did we end up needing it.

The next morning, on Grace and I's way back from a play room, she told me she couldn't walk any more.  We had little choice and I pushed her to make it back to our room.  When I tried to help her to the washroom, all I saw was blood.  I panicked and made her get to bed and I called for a nurse.  Within a few minutes our entire room was filled with all nursing staff in our room.  I was a new kind of scared.  The kind of scared where you know the horrors that exist and being well aware we were right In The middle of an on-going nightmare.  Luckily, within all this mess, two of my good friends showed up.  I don't know what I would do without them.  I really don't.

No one was really telling me what was going on- they just said get your husband her as soon as possible- we we're going back In For emergency surgery!  It seemed she was infected and she came undone from he inside out.  Her insides fell out, essentially.  The nurses said we should be happy this happened her or we could have lost her at home.  If I tell you anything ever in life and you listen, it's gotta be this: always always always go with your instincts.  They can never go wrong.

Well, Geoff got there in time and this time I took her into the surgery.  Never have a prayed so desperately before to be strong.  In a room surrounded by surgeons, interns, and nurses, I smiled at our baby and told her she was so brave, and I'd see her soon. And just like that she was out.  And I was a mess.  I was escorted out.  Time to wait while someone else took care of our baby.  That's a special kind of torture.

And AGAIN, when we rounded the corner, there were our friends waiting with hot lunches and hugs.  Some one to play the waiting game with.  We waited and waited, finally our doctor called and said we were all in the clear, they'd be wheeling her up any minute.  We could breathe again. welll, sorta.

That night, I layed awake and listened to her monitors go off... Her heart rate with go up and then drop so low. She'd moan and groan and sigh.  The nurses checked on her all night and I filled the gaps in between.  I'd talk to her and her heart would balance out.  If that doesn't show you how important a parent is to a small child, I didn't know what would.  I was so relieved when morning rolled around and we made it.  Actually we had a lot of people relieved, including a few nurses.

That was our last HUGE hiccup.  It wasn't smooth sailing but it wasn't so tragic. We made it it but had a long road ahead of us.  In amongst this all, we had visitor after visitor, car loads of gifts, meals made or paid for, coffees bought and brought and the best of all, many many prayers.  If you texted, called, sent a card, a gift, or visited, know you were an answer to our prayers in some way.  Don't ever down play that.  As much as Gracie needed those doctors, we needed you.  She needed you, too.

Well, I know that story was long and sad, but it feels good to get it out there.  Holding it in is hard to,   I feel if I just got it out, it wouldnt sit so heavy on my shoulders, ya know!?  Thanks for listening.  It's exactly what I needed!

Home Base

Late last year we purchased our first home.  It was such an exciting/terrible precess.  Exciting because, oh man, do I love to shop and dream what it would be like to live there.  Terrible because dealing with banks and lawyers and all that is stressful..  At times i felt like scrapping the whole idea and renting for life.  Which definitely has it perks.  But after a few stressful weeks were were home owners.  And I was so in love with my two story cottage.  I could already see where everything was going to go.

Our house was pretty move in ready.  Except for a few things..  The walls, while they had been freshly painted, were a crisp white like I love so much.  So I brought in my Dad and a few(to say the least) extra hands to help paint the main level.  And Presto!  The white dream. HAHA.  The second floor will come later.  I should say, I did paint my room too, as I'm in it quite a bit...

Can I take you for a little tour?... Follow me...

This picture is my entry way.  I inherited the antique sewing machine from my sister when she moved.Im not super in love with the picture set up I got goin' on here, but itll do.  Tell me you've done that a time or two in your home?

The next 3 pictures are of my living room.  You cant see it well, but I love my bay windows.  I just need curtains, especially to keep the heat out, since the blinds dont cut it.  I will likely do a plain white(surprise, surprise)  but when your a first time home buyer, well, money for curtains arent really that important.  Paying the mortgage is! hah! I should add too, this is all my old couches.  (bought off kijiji) and that little gold table was bought this summer at homesense-on clearance, from a gift card i received.(aren't they the best)

Love that I have a fire place.  And super happy we decided not to mount the T.V. about the mantel.  Its a nice focus now.

We made this little corner our media area.  Thanks to Geoff, no cords showing!  I LOVE that.  I wish they sold white T.V.s.  hmmmmm

This is my tiny dining room.  The chandelier was bought recently with money and gift cards we got for our anniversary.  I love it.  And maybe one day down the road I will spray paint it white, but for now I really like the contrast.  I got that china cabinet for free.  I was so excited.  I might paint it down the road, but for now \i like it as is.

While I like that I have main floor laundry, I don't love that its right at my back door.  It makes getting in the door for all three of us at once, quite tricky.  And I really have to be on top of keeping our shoes organized around here.  I love that we hung hooks here on Graces level.  That way she can help keep organized, right haha

I have big dreams to wallpaper this little room in black and white floral.  But, again, I like paying the mortgage, for now!

This is the other view of my dining room.  I love my windows here too..  If it seems i talk about my windows a lot, keep in mind I lived in a basement suite for almost 8 Years. One day I will put up a heavy white denim curtain on these 3 windows, Add wainscotting and wall paper in a bright floral.  One day.

My kitchen was our other project..  While we had the actually doors and drawers painted professionally, we did the bases our selves with the help of a good, hard working friend.  Then we added glass knobs.  Sigh.  But I do hate my black appliances.  But I barely think of them now.  Sorta.

I like this cute little stair area.  Although our stairs are quite deadly and I almost went through that giant window falling down the stairs the first week, in socks.  That window used to have a blind.  Until I ripped in down falling.  It hurt as bad as it sounds, if your wondering.

This is My room.  Our room, I guess.  We grabbed my sisters King mattress when she moved and I found the head board for free on kijiji.  Free, my friends, free.  That little sign just went up...I want to add to it.  I got that the other day thanks to a gift card I got in the mail for our anniversary( thanks Lora)

AGAIN. Love my bay windows in our bedroom.  But I need better curtains.  I bought that provincial dresser off kijiji.  Its a real beaut.  Well, at least I think so!

And Last for tonight is this little corner I use to do my make-up and such.  Geoff is gonna add some make-up lights for me.  And you can see my en suite a little here too.  Had to buy the medicine cabinet too.  All that stuff adds up to hey?  

Anyway, Thats that for now.  Gracies room is for another day.  I really want to paint and then I'll show you.  And our guest room is always in use so far, haha, so that's for another day as well.

Anyway, thanks for stopping by!

Every 38 years or so...

My parents have been married thirty eight years today.  Can you even believe that?  I a world where walking away is made just so easy, they stayed.  Not only did they stay, but they seemed to enjoy themselves.  Sure they probably want to kill each other from time to time, but walk away, never.  My mom and dad always seemed like friends, and I think that's one of the best example they could of set, at least in the the marriage department.

My family lived the traditional lifestyle.  Mom got up before the sun to get the animals feed and breakfast on the table for us.  Every.  Single.  Morning.  She had supper on the table when dad walked through the door.  Every.  Single.  Day.  Dad worked every day 8-4.  Come home and straight to the dinner table.  You could count on it.   The only break they got from the day is when us girls did dishes.  And If you know me at all, or remember me back then, I made sure they got NO break.  EEk.  Sorry about that by the way, just remember I gave you Gracie.

While we could never afford the big elaborate vacations, we always camped all summer long with our friends and family.  They made sure of that.  And you know, that's were some of my best memories came from.  To. This.  Day.  Every winter they took us to a hotel with our family and friends, where we ate junk and swan and played games for 3 days straight.  Those were some of the best days of my childhood!

While our lives out on knightville road were far from glamorous, we lived a small quiet life that was just ours.  Ok We made sure it wasn't quiet. Belinda cranked her Cranberries on the stereo, I screamed that I was misunderstood(remember I gave you Gracie) and dad played the old country songs on the guitar.  Come to think about it mom was the quite one.  Anyway, they made sure my sister and I were cared for and that we knew exactly where home was.  Where ever they were...

The good and bad of it all...

In this continually changing we world we never know what's gonna be put before us.  Or who, for that matter.  It can be so bad or so good, and sometimes it can be both.  The trick there can be to recognize it.

One night a couple months back, Geoff and I were watching tv.  It was such a typical night.  8:30, grace was just put to bed, our feet were up, ready for a couple episodes.  Then my phone rang.  The next few minutes were panicked and sickening.  The voice on the other end was terrified and over whelmed.

My friend, and her two babies were in accident on their way home from vacation.  The momma and oldest child(5 years) were air lifted to a local hospital here in edmonton, and the youngest (2months) was driven by ambulance to the Jasper hospital.  My friend drove off a 40 foot embankment near jasper.  In short, ( and many painful hours later) the family was all reunited, including the dad that flew in from Prince George with just the clothes on his back.  Momma survived, broken back in 2 places, ruptured spleen, damaged liver, and a fractured neck. Baby ended up with fluid in his head building up that needed to be drained.  And the oldest, she walked away with some bumps and bruises and the odd nightmare.

That's all The details I can tell you, it's not mine to say, anyhow.  And I know momma will read this and I know just how painful it is to relive.  Trust me, I know, my friend!

In Amongst all this, did I tell you we had the privilege of homing most of their families and one or two of their friends?  If you have been in a situation like this, you know how good it feels to be able to do something. Anything.  Now, I,don't want you to think Geoff and I swooped in and saved the day.  We didn't, in fact, we should of done more.  But at that point in our life we gave what we had.  A clean bed ( minus that cat hair) to sleep in. They stayed with us about 3 weeks, even celebrated their anniversary with us( thanks for that by the way) .  We feel head over heels in love with that ENTIRE family.  I hope they know that.

They came back and stayed with us already for some quick appointments and even surprised us, along with our friends, on our anniversary (that's another story entirely).  These friends of ours quickly became our family.  Their family and their friends, ours.  We shared some of the hardest moments of the year with them.  They saw how Geoff, Grace and I live.  We shared so many good visits.  Sigh.  I wouldn't trade them for anything.

Well, they, too, have struggled.  And they will continue to.  I know this from my own experience.  But I hope some moments they remember the good.  I know how impossible that will be some days.  Trust me, I know.  But the pain will lessen one breath at a time. It will come crashing in  On you again when you least expect it.  But it will pass. I just know it.

In the mean time, they have such a little army surrounding them.  This was such a tragic event.  But look in your corner.  There will be reminders right there, waiting for you, when you need. The truly   Good, Amoungst the bad.

Calories don't count.

In Amoungst my crazy life, I mentioned earlier that there is some good.  Oh how good those things can be.  The bad makes the good so much sweeter, doesn't it?  And all too often, what makes those sweet moments, well, sweet, are the people you shared them with.  And I know just the best people.  And the best of the best make you forget the worst.  They have to ability to make you escape the everyday.

Well this spring we were able to take a two week getaway to California.  The weather was incredible. The shopping was so great.  The views where unforgettable- but can I tell you the best part? The 4 other people I shared those 2 weeks with.   It wasn't the perfect trip on paper, mind you.  There were sickness that were shared.  That nasty cold came for a visit.  But  it was a small hiccup compared to the visits we were able to have.

I love vacation.  For some many reason.  Number 1?  Starbucks trips.  And the calories dont even count.  Did you know that?  So everyday.  Carmel macchiato on ice. Everyday.    Oh, and waking up and know your on vacation?  And being somewhere where you can pull open the blinds and see ocean and warm air that hits your face?  It's no wonder I can't sleep in on vacation?! 

One of my favorite memories, was sitting out on our patio, sharing drinks and snacks, and such ridiculous conversations.  The ones where you laugh because your laughing. Laugh till it hurts, until you no longer know why your laughing.  All the while the sun has set and the sound of the waves come from a distance.  I remember that moment frequently.  And I immediately start planning my next getaway. Haha.  But in the meantime, I have good people all around me here.  With inside jokes that no one else could ever understand, even if we explained.. And I wouldn't dare . Cause those things belong to just us. ... And are remembered on days like this.....

My saddest song.

In my life time, I've seen a lot of good and bad things. While I can appreciate my life isn't the worst, it's been the hardest in this last year.  If I were to tell you all the bad things that have happened in the last 12 months alone, it would sound like a really sad song,  but friends, I know all the words by heart.  It comes as a dull ache on nights like these.  I'm sitting here taking sips of coffee at 2 a.m., wondering why and I can't sleep and just thinking how nice it'd be to have a visit with a friend.  Who, besides me, is awake in the world?  Then I remembered my blog.  Maybe if I put words to paper, I'll sleep better.  Maybe not.  But I felt like trying...

In the last year, I've had a grandparent die, an old room-mate die(within 1 week of each other), my child had emergency surgery, twice(within 1 week of each), my sister moved across the world,  a family member was diagnosed with cancer, my father had a series of health issues (including melanoma) and a dear friend and her family were in a tragic accident.  All where so painful in there own precise way.  All of that happened within 6 months of each other.  Truth be told, I think I haven't processed much.  Sometimes I try to sort through the wreckage on nights like these.  But sometimes it feels too fresh and too heart breaking and too much.

Sometimes one thing hurts more than another.  And it's not always what you'd think.  It's not always what I'D think.  In the past, I remember looking at peoples situations and saying, I don't know how they do it, I could never...but during one of my worst days I had a good friend text me.  And what she sent stuck with me.  It was a picture and it said, "You never know how strong you are, until you have to be".   And that's the truth of it all.  We get thrown these awful situations in life and what's remarkable is, we survive.  Sometimes, afterwards, it hurts so much it takes your breath away(literally), but we survive.  It's really remarkable if you actually think about it.  I heard it said just yesterday, "sometimes surviving the day is a miracle." I know that to be true.

Now it's looking like the dust has settled in my world.  At least to outsiders. But I know it to be different.  We.re picking up shattered pieces and trying to make sense of it all (one paint project at a time😏)  I wonder why things can't be spaced out a little farther apart.  I wonder if that'd would make a difference. I wonder if  I feel like this, who else is in the exact same boat.  I wonder if I should pour another coffee...😬

Did you hear my sad song? I told you.  Now with all that being said, I want you to know , , all said and done, my life isn't all bad.  And I'm not always up all night thinking about the bad.  Sometimes I on-line shop. ...😏