The days are long

Dear Sparky
How was your summer?  I hope  you were able to enjoy the long days and filled them with the things that make you the happiest. Do you know I think of you at the best part of each of my days.  Well I do.  I think it's the best part of my day cuz your face is in my head. Gosh you have a sweet face.  Just like grace.  You have the kind of face you just fall in love with. So easily and just like that.

Do you remember when we were kids, tous, and seeing each other was always an adventure?  The days were so long and we filled them to top with fun and schemes and talks of days to come.  It's hard to believe some days that we grew up and yet it's almost like it all never happened.  I get homesick for you. And especially your laugh. Do you think one day you could live just down the road? And then when I need to borrow sugar, I could borrow yours and when you need to cry, you could show up on my step uninvited and just cry. Without questions?

Do you think Tousin Allie would allow me to be her stand in? I gotta say you'll love having her close. For as long as you can be close, embrace it.  Our mothers never had forever, and what they did have wasn't long enough.  You received something good when Allie came along.  She's gonna drive you crazy.  Your gonna wanna mother her.  But remember, we are the babies, and we gotta make our path, as squiggly and tiresome as it may look.  But you big sisters gotta bite your tongue from time to time. And have us to dinner.  Baby us still, but let us feel independent (right Allie ?)

Sparky, the days are still long, it's true, but the years are too short.  It's been almost 3 years since I've seen you in person.  Heart breaking. I hope to see you soon.

Take care of yourself,

Love you

Try if you can...

In my last few months I've learned a lot and nothing at all.  How can that be?  In my many attempts to get my life on track I just haven't seem to be able to find my proper footing.  All that I have found enjoyment in is gone and all that used to work is broken.  I'm trapped in an unending cycle.  The few things I've learned, however are monumental and have changed me forever.  In this system. 

The biggest thing and hardest thing to accept is this:  The person I once was is long gone-  But to that end- there is a new me coming out of this.  Oh, how I miss the old me.  I've been mourning that loss all along. Its one thing to change because you wanted to.  Its another thing altogether to change because your trying so desperately to survive. 

I've learned- or rather- am learning my limitations.  And currently I have a lot.  There can be things in this life we want to do...even on a daily basis.  But I just cant.  There isn't the energy.  You can want to do it all day long.  But really, your just working against yourself, if you cant.  I have a tendency to want to be all things to all people.  Ha.  Well that's next to impossible for anyone, let alone me. 

My therapist (I say that lightly) has me down to one thing a day.  ONE THING. Make supper.  Visit a friend.  Clean the kitchen.  But just one thing.  One thing I can tackle.  And accomplish.  And feel good about.  Huh.  Pretty easy.  Well.  It should be.

I say no to a lot more things now.  Which I wouldn't before.  But I've been forced to know what is going to weigh me down, even if it should be a little thing.  But as it turns out, saying no, is just saying no.  No one likes you any less.. Well if they do they aren't going to tell you. HAHA.  It doesn't change who you are or who you want to be. Its just saying know because its necessary to keep things for yourself (or your family)-  mainly your energy.  If you need someone to give you permission to say no, here it is.  Say no.  It gets easier I can promise you that. 

Also, I am Trying so hard to not hide how I really am.  It can be so much easier to say, "I'm Fine."  And really your insides are screaming.   But no one can be there for you if they think you're "fine".  And that's no ones fault but your own.. And it can be a hard struggle on your shoulders and your families.  Hiding hurts way more than we allow ourselves to believe.  Now having said that I'm still in the process of figuring out how to do this.  And not feel embarrassed about who I am. 

Anyway, I'm trying to be better at all these things and make myself well again.  I hope its working.  I'm willing to try... And that can be half the battle, right?....