I should buy a boat...

My thoughts run wild and free and I know so little about controlling them.  As a person with mental health issues(that I try not to make a habit of talking about, ha) my thoughts are often panicked and quite frantic.  They drift between, wondering how to be the perfect house wife, mom, and friend, to, "should I get a dog?".

This is not a joke.  Sometimes on my worst days, I think, I should surprise the family, really shake things up.  Bring home a adorable puppy.  Then our lives would be so much more complete.  Meanwhile, I haven't properly cleaned my own home.  We need groceries to fill the fridge and my hair is in desperate need of washing.  But I cant think in a straight line.  And a puppy could fix everything.

Thats insane I know, and I''m almost always able to reign those thoughts in, or, have someone else help me.  So, no, we don't have a puppy and I don't even want one today.  TODAY.  At least in this moment.  At least not before lunch. HA!

But people like me, or, ha, just me, when we get the energy AND the idea on the same moment, we, me, tend to run with it.  Pack it all in, because we don't know when that's all going to come crashing down, quite frankly.

So yes, I'll wake up one morning and decide to paint the bathroom, while spring cleaning between coats drying.  I'll clean out the car and gut the house, take the bottles to the depot, and mow the lawn.  I'll do that in a morning, because I can.  The next day I could be in bed all day.

I feel the lows but on man do I feel the highs, haha.  And those frantic thoughts make up me.  At least at this point in my life.  So from the outside I may look like I'm under control but on the inside, I'm wondering if I should buy a boat?

Pay Attention, Tousin

Dear Tousin,

I've been thinking of you lots in the last few days.  Its funny, on my really good days my thoughts drift to you.  And on my really bad days, my thoughts drift to you.  You are woven  through out my days and attached wholly to my life.

I cant help, in this last year, to think how quickly our lives can change.  And I think our lives can get so busy that we cant even tell.  We can wake up one day and realize we aren't even who we were the day before. Maybe sometimes, we give too much of our selves away and maybe sometimes we are robbed of something.  Some days, I think its both.

You truly gotta grasp at those good moments and store them away for when they'll next be needed.  Our good moments can change us too.  Pay attention.  Remember, its those sips of coffee that make you relaxed.  Those late night conversations with the ones you love the most, that remind you there's some one who gets you.  Its that time you grabbed someone's hand when you know they cant find the right words to tell you what they are feeling, that make you strong enough.  Its the song lyrics that run through your head when you cant bear the thoughts of what you are really thinking, that make you smile in spite of it all. Its that picture that makes you feel as happy as you were in that exact moment, all over again.

Tousin,  I cant say what the next few hours can bring let alone the next few years, but I do know that we have each other, and thats better than most anything.  I KNOW hard days come but I know they leave too.  I KNOW sometimes its just the breathing that is the hardest, but I know that relief comes to those who are looking.  Pay attention.

And remember, I love you=)

Katie

Just you wait..

One thing I know is waiting can be so hard.  It covers so much.  We can be waiting for something physical, like a new purse or a new coat.  Or even for SOME body. I''ve been apart from my sister for over a year now, and just recently found out shes coming home. That wait was uncomfortable.  My parents, just last night, had to wait until today to put my sisters cat to sleep.  That physcally probably ached.

  I have friends that are waiting to heal physically.  To get full use of her leg back.  And to throw away her walkers and wheel chairs.  She waits with a 7 month old baby in her lap and a 5 year old holding her free hand.  She waits for her husband to come home and share in the struggle of that day.  She sometimes looks at us and what we been through and wonders when that ache she feels in her heart will go away. But she'll have to just wait.

Today I was going around my house cleaning and feeling fine when certain memories I had stored away of our first night in the hospital came flooding in.  I remember those exact terrified feelings I had as we lye in the hospital just waiting for  6 a.m. to come.  To meet the surgeon and explain our stand on no blood.  Then I remembered, the waiting for Gracie to come out of surgery.  And, oh gosh, waiting for her to heal.

Friends,  I'm at home today waiting for that sick feeling to leave and once again feel normal.  I pray fervently today for one relieved breath of air.  I wait for what was robbed from us early this year to come back.

As i take sips of my tea, I wait for it to calm my insides.  And i just hope it happens soon.  As I sit and wait for that sweet child of mine to get off that bus.