Pen Pals...

To my modern day Pen-Pal,

How are you, my friend?  Have you managed to get ahead of this weather and keep moving?  I just barely am.  I do what I must and only a tiny bit extra.  Bit since we don't live in Southern California, I don't see the point in complaining. :)

If we told people we only ever met once and it was so brief, I think people would think it to be strange.  I mean, sometimes I think its strange.  But since the first time I met you, I liked you.  Isn't that so rare?  I'm learning that it is...But in this day an age, If you got someone who will listen to you talk- care what you say-  You hold onto them tightly, right?

I think your a lot of things that I wish I was.. You seem so capable and busy, that I wonder how you do it.  Then I worry you do too much.  But lately- I kinda just think your figuring it out.  I'm actually pretty proud of you for that... Recognizing when something needs changing and then fighting to change it-  Well even I know how hard and nearly impossible that feels.  So good for you.  And PS-  I love the bangs-  But I love even more that your daughter doesn't.  Does that sound cruel?  I just love the honesty of little ones.  Straight from the heart.  And the kind of love that people like you and I need.  It keeps us afloat.

Anyways... Just wanted to say hi, that I think about you.. Take care of yourself and your little family too...

and despite it all...

In my last few months, with all that has come up and all that has been sorted through, my end goal is to make it all mean something.  To learn from it.  To grow. Or even just make sense of it all.  I haven't done it on my own nor do I think its really healthy to..  And all that I learned, helps. And all that I taken from this, is useful.

In my 30 years(just under- lets say 29 1/2, ha) I've made a small handful of friends that I have come to find irreplaceable.  But a sad truth is this- they didn't see me the same way.  I know I'm not the first person this happened to and I certainly am not the last.  But when it happens to you- it hurts until you almost cant breath.
I was told I went through the grieving process (in a sense) like that of someone who died.  And I did that twice in one year.  To 2 of my most favorite people.  Irreplaceable people.  It sent me reeling and I think just now have i been able to stop.  I had made all their decisions that affected me- about me.  I made the reasons i was left behind, my fault.  Anything they chose to do, I made it about me.  And the truth is?  I was nothing to do with it at all.  They never thought of me in those decisions.

You see, I used to think that if some of my favorite people could leave me, that it reflected the kind of person i was.  The kind of friend I was being.  When it comes right down to it-  they really didn't think of me at all.  Does that hurt?  Yes, it really does.  Does that reflect who i was as a friend.  Not in the least.  I'm the exact same friend I always was.  The only thing that changed was them.  Well that, and the way I think...

When I used to make friends, I do so, blindly.  I'm a wear your heart on your sleeve kinda girl.  Or I used to be.  I'd love a person unconditionally and no matter what.  But I've learned a few things in the last couple years ( and I didn't even know it)  One of them is this:  friends need to have the same values you do.  If your gonna have something in common, at least for me, its gotta be values.  Whats important to me has gotta be important to them. Not in the little stuff but in life's big stuff...they gotta be honest, truthful, know what they believe in and stick with it.  That's just skimming the surface.  But at least I know what I'm looking for, should a new person come along.

And not for a second do I discount all the memories I made with those friends.  They mean something to me and they were still GOOD times.  I'll hold on to them tightly. And I'm not dumb enough to forget the friends I have currently.  And if anything, I appreciate them more.  I love their values. and their hearts. And I love that they still love me-despite this year.... Or maybe, because of this year... Either way...

The days are long

Dear Sparky
How was your summer?  I hope  you were able to enjoy the long days and filled them with the things that make you the happiest. Do you know I think of you at the best part of each of my days.  Well I do.  I think it's the best part of my day cuz your face is in my head. Gosh you have a sweet face.  Just like grace.  You have the kind of face you just fall in love with. So easily and just like that.

Do you remember when we were kids, tous, and seeing each other was always an adventure?  The days were so long and we filled them to top with fun and schemes and talks of days to come.  It's hard to believe some days that we grew up and yet it's almost like it all never happened.  I get homesick for you. And especially your laugh. Do you think one day you could live just down the road? And then when I need to borrow sugar, I could borrow yours and when you need to cry, you could show up on my step uninvited and just cry. Without questions?

Do you think Tousin Allie would allow me to be her stand in? I gotta say you'll love having her close. For as long as you can be close, embrace it.  Our mothers never had forever, and what they did have wasn't long enough.  You received something good when Allie came along.  She's gonna drive you crazy.  Your gonna wanna mother her.  But remember, we are the babies, and we gotta make our path, as squiggly and tiresome as it may look.  But you big sisters gotta bite your tongue from time to time. And have us to dinner.  Baby us still, but let us feel independent (right Allie ?)

Sparky, the days are still long, it's true, but the years are too short.  It's been almost 3 years since I've seen you in person.  Heart breaking. I hope to see you soon.

Take care of yourself,

Love you

Try if you can...

In my last few months I've learned a lot and nothing at all.  How can that be?  In my many attempts to get my life on track I just haven't seem to be able to find my proper footing.  All that I have found enjoyment in is gone and all that used to work is broken.  I'm trapped in an unending cycle.  The few things I've learned, however are monumental and have changed me forever.  In this system. 

The biggest thing and hardest thing to accept is this:  The person I once was is long gone-  But to that end- there is a new me coming out of this.  Oh, how I miss the old me.  I've been mourning that loss all along. Its one thing to change because you wanted to.  Its another thing altogether to change because your trying so desperately to survive. 

I've learned- or rather- am learning my limitations.  And currently I have a lot.  There can be things in this life we want to do...even on a daily basis.  But I just cant.  There isn't the energy.  You can want to do it all day long.  But really, your just working against yourself, if you cant.  I have a tendency to want to be all things to all people.  Ha.  Well that's next to impossible for anyone, let alone me. 

My therapist (I say that lightly) has me down to one thing a day.  ONE THING. Make supper.  Visit a friend.  Clean the kitchen.  But just one thing.  One thing I can tackle.  And accomplish.  And feel good about.  Huh.  Pretty easy.  Well.  It should be.

I say no to a lot more things now.  Which I wouldn't before.  But I've been forced to know what is going to weigh me down, even if it should be a little thing.  But as it turns out, saying no, is just saying no.  No one likes you any less.. Well if they do they aren't going to tell you. HAHA.  It doesn't change who you are or who you want to be. Its just saying know because its necessary to keep things for yourself (or your family)-  mainly your energy.  If you need someone to give you permission to say no, here it is.  Say no.  It gets easier I can promise you that. 

Also, I am Trying so hard to not hide how I really am.  It can be so much easier to say, "I'm Fine."  And really your insides are screaming.   But no one can be there for you if they think you're "fine".  And that's no ones fault but your own.. And it can be a hard struggle on your shoulders and your families.  Hiding hurts way more than we allow ourselves to believe.  Now having said that I'm still in the process of figuring out how to do this.  And not feel embarrassed about who I am. 

Anyway, I'm trying to be better at all these things and make myself well again.  I hope its working.  I'm willing to try... And that can be half the battle, right?....

perfect to me.

How am I doing?  We all know that's been a loaded question for me these days.  And when you do ask, I probably wont ever give you a straight answer or a real answer. But right now in this very moment. I'm ok.  Ok on my level means, I didn't sleep and I woke with a migraine and I'm broke and I'm tired.. But emotionally I'm ok.  Haha, I'm ok as I can get.  Hey I'm washing curtains, when two weeks ago couldn't lift my arms above my head.  I'm doing pretty good.  Its a good thing my parents raised me with a sense of humor.  It really is.  Its a gift I'll be forever grateful for.

I kinda wanted to wrap up that last of all this wedding saga.  The last and final dance.  It happened this last Saturday.  I'd like to say it went off without a hitch but that's not exactly true.  We couldn't get the music to play and when we finally did it got shut down after a couple SHORT hours.  Much to my dear friends disgust.  And rightly so, as she put many hours into arranging, sorting, and choosing hours worth of music.  But My friends, It was so perfect, to me.

The people I have in my life that I had to let step in and take over when I just couldn't- well, they went above and beyond to make sure that dance was perfect.  they took Ginny's beach theme and ran with it.  Incredible.  It was pinteresters dream and night to compare to no other.  At least for me.  And those few short hours of music- I danced.  No I haven't got the moves like Jagger (ugh, did I really just make that joke?  I think my dad just made that joke last week.  See!  Humor- I didn't say witty humor- c-mon)  But does it really matter when you just want to enjoy?  Nah, not to me.  And my best girls were there, Most of em anyhow. The girls that hosted that night don't know it- but that's the most fun I've had in a long while and they can never understand what that could mean for me.

Anyway-  The bride looked fantastic- as did the building.  Hopefully a few days from now or months- all the hard work my friend put in- they'll see the night exactly how I did...


The ladies who made the evening happen

 

 

Groom and Bride

 

 

 

 

wedding daze.

Amidst my life, I have my great moment.  And that's because I have some really great people in my life.  So like I've told you before, I was able to be in a wedding that took place in my hometown.  The double whammy!  Home! and a wedding! 

I knew once my feet hit that New Brunswick sand, my heart would be faster, my pace would be quicker and my smile bigger.  I was always a treat.  It was so nice to see all those familiar faces.  Being home is a comfort I've tried to explain to you, but the truth of the matter is, words don't do home justice.  They just don't.

And the wedding?  went off without a hitch.  Lots of hard work went into that wedding, but in the end it was such a GREAT day.  Our Bride and Groom were the happiest, and on that day, that's all that matters, right?

Well I thought I'd share some pictures with you... Enjoy!

The process of correcting..

I've always had grand ideas for this blog.  My biggest mistake has been telling you about them, promising them and not delivering.  not that I think necessarily your holding your Breathe for me.. But maybe ...???

But to be honest my friends, my summer has been hard thus far.  And my year has felt unbearable.  I've struggled back in forth on whether to share with you or not.  But as of late, it's felt a little freeing to let people in on my life.

I don't have anything life or death wrong.  My family is in tact and I love them all like no one else.  But I,m sad.  I hurt on the inside.  My life has felt like its spinning out of control and the only person who can see it is me.  And I,m completely helpless to stop it. Or at least I was.

My Doctor Says I'm not that abnormal... So that's good hey? And I,m in the long process of correcting it. And this is not a cry for help because trust me, I'm being well taken care of.  I jut thought I'd share, so maybe it didn't seem so scary to me.

I don't know if you can relate or not, but its hard days. And sometimes there seems to be no good light.  But on the better days I can see the kindness I've been shown.  Because in the last month I have done my share of crying on my friends couches, and not making sense I'm sure. I'd be holding on to the coffee coup as tight as I could because it's the only solid thing on my whole person.  I felt so desperate to feel better and to convey exactly now I felt.  And with every sip of my coffee, realizing my hurt wasn't going  anywhere  on its own.

When I finally came to a certain peace, I could see how depression makes you a selfish person, but at the same time, not having the power to stop it.  Because you so badly need what ever your friends will give you.  You want to grab their life line and keep a float until the next person comes along for relief ...

My only hope for my friends is that they know this is not the person my heart knows me to be.  That they will hold on to me until I'm well again.  And one day I can pull them off the ground and return the life line I'm so desperately clinging to.

So today is a better day for me.  The simple fact that I can take time for this, proves to myself I'm feeling a little more like me.  I'll take that... Because I kinda have to...

Always a bridesmaid...

In this life, If are fortunate enough to have a handful of great friends, you are doing good.  No.  Your doing Great.  Remember that! 

In the last few months we have been so busy, its ridiculous.  But out of these months we have pulled some fantastic memories out.  The first of many was a personal shower I hosted for my friend Ginny.
I was her maid of honor this spring, so to kick of the first few weeks that led up to her wedding, we had the party. 

Her friends happen to my friends too- for the most part.  So needless to say, it was a pretty great afternoon. If you know me at all- I take on too many projects and within each project I have these ideas of how I want things to be.  The thing about my Ideas is this-  I have no Idea how to execute them.  Almost at all.  I do the best I can and hope my friends know that the hap hazard things I do come from a good place- albeit it frightening at times.

But this party turned out.  Did all my visions of perfectly done pinterest projects turn out-  no.  Did I transform my little suite into a dream.  Hardly. But at the end of the day I gave it all I had.

It was a toe party.  How great an Idea was that?  So 20 Girls got all their toes painted and designed.  With good food, good wine and a gratuitous photo both situation- it was a pretty special afternoon for me.  Thankfully I have some great ladies to helped me pull it all together and keep me sane.

Remembering that there aren't too many opportunities to be a maid of honor or even a bridesmaid- all the exhaustion and worry is worth it.  Right?! yea, right...

Every spring.

In the last few weeks around our little home, Spring has begun.  Not in the weather, of course, we live in Alberta after all, but in the cleaning department and getting things done.  I love it and hate it equally.  We all know I get some sick satisfaction out of cleaning.  But My other huge problem is having no balance. Start five different projects at once, finishing none, living in disorganized chaos, and ultimately feeling over whelmed. Every. Single. Spring.

It hasn't all been a write off, I have finished a few little cleaning up/gutting out projects, but all at the same time adding to my list.  No Balance.  But I also find at this time, I'm lacking all the good things the sun provides and I'm in desperate need of a pick me up.  Keeping myself busy, keeps my mind busy and there is a certain reassurance about that.  At least for me.

But that's what I've been up too, I'm hoping in the next week or so to be done a couple major projects, that I can share with you.  I also have a wedding and a trip coming up.  Like I said busy.  And exhausted, but Lots to share in the very near future:)

Lost letter

Dear Sparky,

I've been missing you.. I think we over use those words to a degree.. we say to lots of people and at times we say say it just because its what we feel we should.  But I need you to know... I. MISS. YOU.  I think of you more than you realise.  I think my little head likes knowing that I have someone in my corner who chooses my side every time.  Even if I'm wrong.  Or crazy. Or the both all at once. 

But I need you to know, my mind wanders to you quite often.  If my heart is aching and my throat is tightening, I wish for you.  And when I'm in the grocery store and I see icing, i smile because of you. That gap my beauty of a baby has when she smiles- I think of you. 

Its not that I even talk about you tons to all my friends, but I do talk about you.  And its not that I put you on a pedestal compared to the rest of my friends, but you do stand out.  Its that my mind can always count on you.  I never doubt you. like ever.  You do things with your life that I can only hope Grace will do.  You could of drifted through life lost because of what happened to you, and no one could of blamed you, but you just didn't. 

I think I need you to know, I miss you...

Giveme a break...

Our vacation that seemed to take forever to get here, seems to be over.  I'm such a home body.  Unless I can be by a palm tree.  Palm trees vitto all.   Everything that lead up to this trip seemed to leave little time for anticipation.  My thoughts were all consumed by the day to day that it was so hard to even remember that something good was just ahead of us.

I believe it took being away from our day to day, to see our little situation in life for what it really is...

Thank you for time away and moments to breath or I'd be none the wiser.  I would take no time to figure whats going on in my head and I would get sicker day by day.  As many of you may know, I've headed back to the neurologist to get a grip on these migraines of mine.  They seemed to have spun out of control in the last few months and left me drained.  Combine that with the stress of our ever changing lives, I felt like I could hardly breathe some days,

I barely, just barely, could look forward to this family vacation of ours.  and as much as you know I love to vent, I'll save you the most of it.  WhatI needed, was a break.  With broken cars and broken hearts, empty pockets and sleepless nights, Everything good in our life seemed grey to say the least.   The more things that I cant control in my life, the harder it is to just be happy.  The life I want to live with my family is ruined but the crumby moods and exhausted mind.  I had no idea just ow tired we, as a family really were.

You know that feeling when your through security at the airport-  no one forgot their passports,  No one missed their flight,  No one has to work- you made it.   Breath already.  I live for that exact moment. Well, that, and when that humid air hits my face.

When I see the smile on my baby's face when she met Buzz, the kiss she stole from him.  When her feet hit the pool, when I see her tan lines and sun kissed cheeks, Whats really important to me becomes so much clearer.  And its such a relief.  I can let go of a few things that I didn't even know I was holding on to. 

I can write and write about how my life is or how I;d like it to be, but when your low and sick and tired- its all just garbage.  And I think everyone needs time away from broken friendships and hearts, eyes that need fixing or heads that need relief.  At least it makes me a little more like the person I am trying to be for my little family.

Something I've recently figured out is that I cant do it all.  Even if I want to.  I have to say no to things that I cant fit into my life.   Even if I don't want to.  Thank goodness for a little break.

I wanted to share some of our best moments in the last couple weeks-- ENJOY!  We sure did...

  

Waiting...

So remember how on my last post things were looking pretty good, especially with Graces eyes? Hm.  Things have changed.  Pretty much right after surgery she developed another lump.  We had to take her back to the specialist.  But the Dr. said we should wait a little while longer to see how it develops.  Well we booked an appointment for April and away we went.  A couple weeks later (today) her lump got bigger and redder and completely changed.  So I am taking her in tomorrow to see if its infected or what.  We leave for Florida on Saturday, so I was starting to get panicky over the whole situation.  It seems we have bee waiting and waiting for this eye situation to settle down, but its not happening.  At least not today.

So that's the update on that.

We have been really looking forward to our vacation and I feel like we are ready to just escape the real life for a few good days.  Its been so nice to have something ahead of us that's a relief.  Plus all this snow. BLAH.  When is summer again? 

I have no idea if I'll ever get back on track again with this blogging stuff.  It seems like just one more thing that I cant catchup to.  But we'll see.  Maybe in 2 weeks from now Ill post some happy pictures from our trip.  Something to look forward to!

For now, I'll post thepics of her sugery, on Jan 4.  I tried to last time but, blogger wouldnt let me!

relief in recovery

So I haven't been around here in awhile.  Part of me wanted to just delete my blog and leave it at that. I've been Debbie downer for so long, and I hated that.  But As of January 4th my little family and I have felt relief for the first time in quite a while.


Gracie surgery is done and over.  She was so brave and seems to still really love doctors, which I do believe was our saving grace in the first place.  Grace thinks Drs. can do no wrong.  So she was a Big Girl and let them put her under with the IV.  My heart broke, as it always does, when she got really scared as the drugs pumped into her veins.  Her eyes welled up and she reached for me.  and Then that was it it.  I was escorted out, a sobbing mess.  But!!  20 minutes later, I had my baby girl back in my arms.  Such a good girl!

I just want to say to all my family and friends-  We needed you and truly appreciate that we had you.  Thanks for the Get well cards, and Presents and Meals.  Its exactly what we needed to make this experience as easy as possible.  We are now on the road to recovery, and we couldn't be more relieved.

We now have time to look forward to the things ahead.  We have a very busy year coming up, and I cant wait...

First, in February, we are headed to Florida for a couple weeks.  And we get to go not worrying about eyes this time..  I can just barely wait.. but just barely save up the money. Haha, Our car broke down.. actually we lost our breaks trying to stop at a read light on baseline.  Fun times.  But no one was hurt.. and that's something all in itself, isn't it?

Did I tell you I'm maid of honor in My BFF's wedding in May.. IN THE MARITIMES??  So with that responsibility comes showers and engagement parties and dresses and trips and flowers.. and the list goes on!  I should be stressed, I think, But I'm feeling pretty good about it.  Looking forward to going home to see my family, too.

Anyways, so relieved to have a happy post!  Hope everyone is all rested up from their vacation days and hopefully, I'll be back at this again really soon!