Cupcake kisses

dont know why i cant get it upright

Well, as most of you likely already know, Grace did really, really well for her surgery.  No complications, no delays, In and out, so to speak.  Releif is such a sweet feeling, wouldn't you agree.  She was quite moody afterwards, but I can't say I would of been any less grumpy.  She had a big patch over her eye and a bruised cheek, just enough to break your heart.  The only alarming thing for me post op was when her nose started to bleed.  Besides wanting to pass out, I almost paniced.  But as we say, Panic slowly, right?  Well that was really nothing.  Relief. Again.  I wish I could say I was able to pull myself together for Grace, but I was a pretty awful mom.  I came down with a migraine, that had me throwing up(sorry) in the bathroom at the hospital. YAY!  But i did make myself be with her while she was put under.  Gut wrenching?  You don't know the half of it.  And if you do, my heart goes out to you).  And if you don't. well, I hope you never do.  Anyway... We made it through, so thanks so much for all your thoughts, kind words and especially the prayers.

And It got me thinking... We really do have to enjoy the smallest of things in life, don't we?  And I mean small.  I know this one sweet lady, who, everytime you go to her house she makes homemade biscuits.  Delicious right?  But She really goes beyond that.  She puts out small bowls of Jam with tiny little serving spoons.  Sweet, right?  Better than that?  She lines her biscuit baskets with cloth napkins. Sigh.  Its the small things.

Today we had a friend bring Grace over One Beautiful cupcake.  It was so cute, and even more Delicious.  One single cupcake.  How great is that?  Maybe not huge to you, but Grace loved it(and we enjoyed her left overs, as mangled as they were)

Then later today, I asked Grace for a kiss.  She usually holds out her cheek, or on a bad day, slaps you.(I know, I know)  Today?  She grabbed my face with BOTH HANDS and gave me the sweetest kiss I have ever had.  I'm hoping for a million more of those.  So small, but made this week do-able.

Anyway, thats that.  The bad is over with for now.  And we got lots of things to be thankful for this week.  Hopefully that will be enough....

I'm goin' back to the start

Today I got to head out for an acupuncture appointment.  I say "get to " like its some sorta treat.  In some weird way, it really is.  It hurt so bad today.  SO BAD.  I wanted to scream or cry, or both.  (the lady beside me did)  On the drive to my appointment, I tried the singing like I'm a rock star thing, but, I wasn't feeling it.  Just sadness.  SAD, right?  C'mon me, pull yourself outta this.  And then I thought "I want to go home."  Then a few hours later, I get a call from Stollery setting up the exact time for Grace's surgery.  I hung up the phone and cried,  for the first time since this all went down.  And then I thought," I want to go home"

My family, aka, Mom and Dad and Sister, all live her now, so by "home" I mean the Maritimes.  I've learned, over time, that being in areas that I have seen my whole life, with people I have seen my whole life, comforts me.  Grace Has her soother, and I have "home".  Isn't there something in the fact that we go back to where we started when things get a little scary?  Is it just me?  I gotta think, I'm not all that uncommon.  Going back to where you started just seems to help me get my footing again.  And the physical distance it puts between me and my life, well, I call that breathing room.

So, Yes, I want to go home.  The Pevlins, and their kids, are all back in the Maritimes.  They are  my second parents (or who I so affectionately call my foster parents) And they  are where I crash land while I'm home. Pevlins were my next door neighbours when I was born, and from what mom tells me, Shirley potty trained me, because I wanted to keep up with Stephanie.  At least 4 days of the week I was at their home.  Any given day.  They let their home, be my home.  I  could dig in their fridge, sleep over on school nights, and hey, I even had my own laundry pile.  Their place was the ONE place I could go and never feel homesick.  Looking back, I'm pretty grateful to of had them.  Hopefully Gracie will have some people like that in her life one day.

I don't know that I will be able to go home, especially before Grace turns 2 and we have to buy her ticket.  When there's time, there's no money.  When there's money, there's no time, ya know?  But I will keep my eyes open and watch for good sales on seats.

This month has been awful.  These next few days will be worse.  Maybe when Its all said and done, this constant lump in my throat will go away, along with the anxiousness in my belly.  But, I'll still want to come home.  Pevlins, I miss you, and  really hope your new place has a room for me!  

Its not always about me.

I have been scurrying around lately, but in no apparent direction.  Start on one job, then on to the next.  Get to one appointment, then on to the next.  Make one phone call, then on to the next.  You can see what I mean?

I haven't wanted to blog because, well, I feel so overwhelmed, and sad, and tired, and crazy.  ALOT crazy. and ALOT tired.  And I could complain until I'm blue in the face, but who likes THAT person? HAHA, Am I that person?  Oh, Gosh, I think I am.  I better watch myself, its a slippery slope, my friends.

So, down time for me has not been an option.  Yes I could have made time for it, but that's when the sadness and the like, kick in and I got no more room for that.  So Last night I set myself a couple small goals.  Nothing huge, but something attainable.  And bottom line?  Something that could make me feel good.  Maybe even better.

Then through the night, Grace was up several times, and the last time she just came into bed with us.  But couldn't get comfortable.  Have you ever let a big dog try to sleep with you in your bed?  Have you ever noticed they can't seem to get comfortable?  They flip and they flop, they sigh and they groan.  Then they want up and out?  Well, that was my Gracie this morning.  At 5 or so.  Yes, our day started at 6 in the morning, thanks for asking!

Now, quite usually I would of let my day go down the drain.  Sleep when she sleeps, watch cartoons with her and so on.  But, I"M SO TIRED OF FEELING TIRED.  And not just physically- mentally.  So, I got Grace and I cleaned up for the day.  This included her staying in the bathroom with me while I tried to shower.  Haha, She was into everything, toilet brush not exempt.  But, there are worse problems.  And we were able to be out of the house by ten for a few groceries.  Not bad, not bad at all(for us).

So, one of my goals today was to make a simple meal for a couple in our congregation that has had a rough go of it, especially lately.  These people, are people we love.  When there gone you miss them, and when you see them you smile.  So I picked a meal that I am comfortable making and did it. I actually did it.

Now, I would hate for you to think I'm bragging.  I'm not.  Truth be told, I should of done this long ago.  I didn't, but I did now.  And I would hate for you to think I do this kind of thing all the time.  I don't.  I probably should be, lord knows there's people that could use a some help.

And as long as we're telling the truth, I think I did it more for me, than anybody.  I needed to feel good, even if it only gets me through the next hour.  Every little bit counts.  Especially to me.  Especially right now.

Anyhow, my dear friends, If your feeling a little down and its been for far too long, switch the focus to something or someone else.  It'll help.  And even if it doesn't, your helping in the Grander scheme of things. Someone needs to know there being thought of, or looked after, or missed.

Do good and don't worry to whom

-Mexican proverb

Runnin' low on happy

Its been an awful 2 weeks or so, for my little family.  Not huge awful, normal sized awful.  Awful nonetheless.  In case some of you haven't heard, Grace was in Stollery Children's hospital 2 evenings in a row.  Not anything too serious, just a fever that would not break.  She had us really worried the first day because she couldn't find energy to move, I carried everywhere she needed to be around the house.  I had originally booked her in to see my doctor, but my doctor said to go to stollery. 

That night, she had a tube up her nose and "around a corner" as her nurse said.  I cried, in case you thought I wouldn't, you were wrong.  She had to have a catheter to test her pee.  The wrapped her arms behind her back and had another blanket wrapped around her, with a nurse holding this in place, and another nurse doing the job itself.  Geoff and  I were both near her face trying to console her, but she just looked at us and screamed.  That time I tried not to cry for her sake, lets not panic the already panicking baby.

As well they x-rayed her chest.  If you have never seen how they x-ray a baby her age, you don't wanna.  Or if your slightly "off" you might think its funny.  That night I wanted to cry, until I seen how much she didn't mind it, than  I wanted to laugh.  Clearly, I'm a little off.  That night, I really was.  Anyhow, They sit your baby on what looks like a bike seat, and hold her arms above her head.  Then plastic walls come on each side of her body and they hold them in place with a leather strap.  They say there are other ones out there that look worse.  Ah, no thanks.  She did that test like a pro, no fussing, no nothing.

After all results were back we got sent home with, basically, a really sick baby and that's all.  The next day we took her back because she was dehydrated and started to throw up.  That night they asked us, no forced us, to leave when they inserted the IV.  They said we could say, but the baby would do worse with us there, and they said for sure I'd have to leave, because I was already sobbing.  We could still hear her screaming from around a corner. AGH.  Lets top it off with, the last I saw her she was on her Knees, looking at me screaming "MOMMY".  I can barely breath just talking about it now.  My heart goes out to any mom who has to endure far worse things than this.

Then.. oh yes there is more, She had a specialist appointment yesterday.  She has had a lump under her eye for almost 2 months now.  So they booked us in with the specialist.  Well basically, Its just a blocked duct or oil thing... that's not the exact wording, no, but bare with me.  They said since shes at the age shes at they will have to put her under to fix it.  NOW... This is just a simple small procedure, so don't worry.. BECAUSE, I'm worried enough for everyone.  The fact that she has to be put under, scares me.  I mean I'm Glad she wont remember, BUT..In a perfect world..

Well this is far from a perfect world.  As a parent, this isn't really a world I'm ready to let my baby grow up in.  So her surgery is April 25,  and Yes I will let you know how it goes.  The month after that we are going back in to check more into her heart murmur.  I will let you know that one as well. 

I'm sorry if this is so not a happy Friday post.  I feel like, lately, I'm runny low on happy.  I'm just a grumpy tired mom.  I maybe shouldn't post at all, but as I've said, this is a therapy. Maybe if I let it out here, my family won't get the COMPLETE wrath of tired grumpy Katie.  Oi...Maybe they will.



Anyhow, Thanks for listening.  Tonight I go to work.  I don't know if you know, but I work with a special needs guy, 22 years old.  Lately, he loves me.  Maybe that's what I need.  And He can really put things into perspective for me, and In a hurry too.  So maybe that's what I need today.  Maybe it will make my tomorrow better..

Organic Roots

She was one of my first friends when I moved to the city.  The first day I met her, I didn't like her.  I thought she was too large for life and she stole attention.  The next day, I loved her.  And for the next year and a half we were inseparable.  She was, in the truest sense, my partner in crime.  Any troubles we got into the other was somewhere lurking.  We worked well together to.. I don't recall a fight amongst us.  Although that's not say there wasn't one, it just wasn't enough for me to remember.  Hopefully the same can be said from her, too.

One of the first things you'd notice about her was her height.  6 Foot.  One of the few girls I met who was actually taller than me.  She wore a Burgundy wool coat.  And her smile was Huge.  Someone like me, needed a friend like her.  She rarely let me feel sorry for myself.  If we could of combined our energy toward good, we would of changed the world, Im sure.  But as it was, we could barely change ourselves.

When  I was broke, she paid for all our "outings".  When She was broke, I paid for her.  If she said she was picking me up from work, she'd be there.  One thing i may never told her I truly appreciated about her.  I needed a Friend like that, with home so far away.

She was always making me walk places.  She wanted to be fit, and wanted to take me along with her.  Our favorite place to go one a day we both had off, Organic roots.  It Was an organic grocery store, but also had a cafe in there.  WE ALWAYS ALWAYS, shared a yogurt parfait (long before Mcd's ever came up with the Idea) And an organic cream soda.  Funny, even then, I knew, I'd look back on see memories and love them.

Back than I shared an apartment with a couple different roommates, Candice was never one of them.  I Often wished she was, but Roommates are hard aren't they?  She might as well lived with us.  She slept there more often than not.  We never tired of each other.  Well, I should say, I never tired of her.

She always had plans to move to BC, back to her roots.  Something I could appreciate, having come from somewhere less Alberta-ee.  But the thoughts of her leaving was panicky to me.  I always say, When your from away and you make friends, you make those friends family.  She eventually found her way "home".  No where near me.

Well almost 9 years later, I still think about her regularly.  Sad to say we don't keep in touch like we should.  I've actually only seen her once in 3 years.  Hey, I never even met her husband.  But when I do talk to her, or see her, I can pick up where we left off.  A good friend is like that, aren't they?

I think of her as the person who helped me plant my feet on the ground when I moved here.  I cant thank her enough for that.  I'm not sure I did much for her, but I like to think I might have.  Doesn't matter.  I still think of her and smile.  And I'll never ever forget how she taught me how to "get around a red Light"

Kitchen cure

 Its not a secret, I'm not a cook, or a baker.  I muddle my way through recipes and really, I have a 50/50 chance of it working out.  In attempt to keep my hands busy and for fear of what slowing down will do for me, I decided to bake something.  I picked this Little box mix up at Homesense.  Admittedly, It was the cute little box that drew me in, then it was the chocolate mint, that sold me. Not to mention the fact it made putting something homemade on my table.  For those of you who are wondering, It cost me $5.99.  Worth it?  We'll see..

In A small Kitchen like mine, You don't have a lot of room to work with.  So if you do need halp, and you have little room, bring in little helpers.  She couldnt keep her hands outta the bowl, she admittedly caused me more work than usual, but the price was right.  And can I just say, thank-goodness for that apron, we saved an outfit.  To my dear friend who took the time to make that for my baby, I love you, and I don't really even know you.

Half of my hesitation of cooking or baking is the clean up.  Until last October, I never had a dishwasher.  Now that I have one, I use it.  However its rarely to do my baking dishes, lets just be honest. Tonight, I already had a full load in the dish washer.  So by I washed by hand.  Thank goodness, my hands kept moving, and I kept that much closer to sanity, although, I think I'm hang by a thread.

SO by the time I had the dishes done AND a quick shower (no washing of the hair) My muffins were ready to come out.  Well, a little disappointing.  Not what I expected.  Of course, I had hoped they would come out fully iced and looking like a dream.   They didnt, but they tasted ok, not very pepperminty, but enough chocolate for me.  They actually resemble and taste like 2 bite brownies.  I'll take that.  Grace had no interest in them until one hit the floor.  She was all over that.  Don't ask me why.  I let her eat it, don't ask me why either(lets keep in mind, I had washed my floors this afternoon).

Would I recommend you rush out to buy this?  No I guess I really wouldn't.  But I do recommend baking something if you need to keep your mind busy.  This worked for me, for today.  At least It did for a time.  Who knows what it will be tomorrow, but no doubt, I'll let you know, if it s worth knowing.

For life

Find that something

or someone

that gets you outta bed

and puts a smile on your face.

Hold on to it for life.

And Never Ever let it go.

Chasing Puddles

To tell ya the truth, I haven't wanted to make any posts.  I haven't had many good things to say about anything.  And i felt it was hardly appropriate to keep on with normal life, when others are so hopelessly stuck. It feels so awful to carry on, doesn't it? 

Then I saw my baby's scuffed shoes.  Just on  the very tip of her black mary-janes.  It wasn't that long ago, her shoes never got worn, let alone, worn-in.  But babies grow, they get big and develop skills that we tend to take for granted.  Like putting one foot ahead of the other.  Babies are the best at appreciating the ability to walk, to keep going.  Its just one foot in front of the other. They fall, they may cry, but they just keep going.  Something I really admire, is when a baby is truly enjoying what there doing, happy with there current situation, a tumble to the ground is just a small problem.  They bite back the hurt and continue on.

Those scuffed shoes made me grateful too, especially now.  Scuffs are better than no scuffs.  I feel like I have to remember the small blessings that I  have.  I'm healthy enough to watch my baby play happily, chasing puddles and admiring mud.  My baby is healthy enough to be outside, to step on the cracks in the side walk.  Blessing?  Well, what if those scuffs weren't there?

Funny how we get caught up in the mundane things in life, isn't it?  There's so much to worry about, its un-ending.  There's money, keeping homes, where to vacation, who did what, and where.  But that really doesn't matter, in the big picture, does it?  I hope not.  I'm not saying its wrong to think about these things, but I'd like to think before I lay my head to the bed, what matters THE most, is the people we love.  Worry about how there doing and if there being looked after.

I also find, at least for myself, I need to find something to be happy about each day.  Sometimes its a struggle to figure it out.  Days don't always look promising, do they?  But look hard.  Happiness can be in little things.

The Evolution of Mary Janes from Little Girls’ Footwear to Women’s Shoes

Things as little as baby scuffed shoes...

hearts break

Today, I gotta say, I'm truly heart broken.  I won't get into for the sake of all the families it effected(especially my own).  I will say, I wish I could help.  We live in a world that is just full of pain.  Isn't the worse pain, the kind you can't see?  Its the kind that doesn't bleed or bruise but it sometimes takes years to heal.  There's no pain killer for that kind of hurt.

To The family and all effected, You'll be in our thoughts and you'll be our prayers, long after you even need them.