You'll have to excuse me. I haven't been me for awhile now. I think its been about 33 years. I cant say its been an up hill battle. And it certainly wasn't all bleak. But I knew from the age of, I'd say, 7, that I didn't feel the way people-kids-felt at my age. And here's the problem; because of how I was feeling, I acted out, in all kinds of ways, but it all came down to anger, in the end. It defined me. It was like I had a label on my head that says "Bad Temper; won't change" . Its how people knew me. My parents, my sister, her friends, my parents friends. I was set in stone and I was only 7.
Now I know some who read this will challenge it. But it is my truth. Its from my perspective. It was my life. It was how I lived and breathed.
So I should explain, a few months ago, I underwent a major mental health over haul. So for the last 7 months, I have been in intense therapies, one after another. Group, counsellors, and psychiatrist.
And I've learned a few things. Well, a lot' but that's another day maybe. But one major thing I have learned do over the years is to replace one feeling I'm having with another. Sometimes when I'm mad, but don't think I can show it, I go to sad. When I'm sad, I act mad. Like really , really mad. And I feel this part is important. So listen close, I need you to understand. I have Bipolar 2. So I feel the extremes. Imagine your extremes and magnify them by 100. I'm juuuusssstttt passed that. No, really. I'd imagine to some it would sound like an excuse. But please understand I feel all feelings so. very. much.
I remember being young and the rage I'd feel, I would feel super human. Black out Rage. And not only did I suffer from the discipline that led after, I suffered in my room and often cry myself to sleep. I needed help, but I just didn't know what that meant. That being said, I do not hold my family accountable. Back then mental illness was still taboo, and I would have been extremely hard to deal with unmedicated. The natural shift would be to my sister. She was an easy, good kid. And I knew I'd never fit that. I learned to not want to. That was easier.
My husband and children have lived this with me too. It would get so ugly and in my heart I couldn't hold back the anger. Hate myself after? You bet I did. This went on for too many more years. And I once again felt like I'd let my husband down, or my kids. I felt like and ugly monster. And I was spiralling.
So recently the challenge has been to find the balance in my emotions. Stopping and thinking first what emotion I really am feeling. I literally have to go against the grain. And it isn't easy my friends.
But I have really great doctors and really great meds. Not everyday do I apply what I learn. I fail. Not everyday am I strong. Sometimes I'm angry that my brain doesn't function like most of you. But I promise you I'm trying. My hearts in it.
So, Yes, I haven't been me for awhile. But I'm gonna wait this out, and see what tomorrow brings.
