Try if you can...

In my last few months I've learned a lot and nothing at all.  How can that be?  In my many attempts to get my life on track I just haven't seem to be able to find my proper footing.  All that I have found enjoyment in is gone and all that used to work is broken.  I'm trapped in an unending cycle.  The few things I've learned, however are monumental and have changed me forever.  In this system. 

The biggest thing and hardest thing to accept is this:  The person I once was is long gone-  But to that end- there is a new me coming out of this.  Oh, how I miss the old me.  I've been mourning that loss all along. Its one thing to change because you wanted to.  Its another thing altogether to change because your trying so desperately to survive. 

I've learned- or rather- am learning my limitations.  And currently I have a lot.  There can be things in this life we want to do...even on a daily basis.  But I just cant.  There isn't the energy.  You can want to do it all day long.  But really, your just working against yourself, if you cant.  I have a tendency to want to be all things to all people.  Ha.  Well that's next to impossible for anyone, let alone me. 

My therapist (I say that lightly) has me down to one thing a day.  ONE THING. Make supper.  Visit a friend.  Clean the kitchen.  But just one thing.  One thing I can tackle.  And accomplish.  And feel good about.  Huh.  Pretty easy.  Well.  It should be.

I say no to a lot more things now.  Which I wouldn't before.  But I've been forced to know what is going to weigh me down, even if it should be a little thing.  But as it turns out, saying no, is just saying no.  No one likes you any less.. Well if they do they aren't going to tell you. HAHA.  It doesn't change who you are or who you want to be. Its just saying know because its necessary to keep things for yourself (or your family)-  mainly your energy.  If you need someone to give you permission to say no, here it is.  Say no.  It gets easier I can promise you that. 

Also, I am Trying so hard to not hide how I really am.  It can be so much easier to say, "I'm Fine."  And really your insides are screaming.   But no one can be there for you if they think you're "fine".  And that's no ones fault but your own.. And it can be a hard struggle on your shoulders and your families.  Hiding hurts way more than we allow ourselves to believe.  Now having said that I'm still in the process of figuring out how to do this.  And not feel embarrassed about who I am. 

Anyway, I'm trying to be better at all these things and make myself well again.  I hope its working.  I'm willing to try... And that can be half the battle, right?....