I've always had grand ideas for this blog. My biggest mistake has been telling you about them, promising them and not delivering. not that I think necessarily your holding your Breathe for me.. But maybe ...???
But to be honest my friends, my summer has been hard thus far. And my year has felt unbearable. I've struggled back in forth on whether to share with you or not. But as of late, it's felt a little freeing to let people in on my life.
I don't have anything life or death wrong. My family is in tact and I love them all like no one else. But I,m sad. I hurt on the inside. My life has felt like its spinning out of control and the only person who can see it is me. And I,m completely helpless to stop it. Or at least I was.
My Doctor Says I'm not that abnormal... So that's good hey? And I,m in the long process of correcting it. And this is not a cry for help because trust me, I'm being well taken care of. I jut thought I'd share, so maybe it didn't seem so scary to me.
I don't know if you can relate or not, but its hard days. And sometimes there seems to be no good light. But on the better days I can see the kindness I've been shown. Because in the last month I have done my share of crying on my friends couches, and not making sense I'm sure. I'd be holding on to the coffee coup as tight as I could because it's the only solid thing on my whole person. I felt so desperate to feel better and to convey exactly now I felt. And with every sip of my coffee, realizing my hurt wasn't going anywhere on its own.
When I finally came to a certain peace, I could see how depression makes you a selfish person, but at the same time, not having the power to stop it. Because you so badly need what ever your friends will give you. You want to grab their life line and keep a float until the next person comes along for relief ...
My only hope for my friends is that they know this is not the person my heart knows me to be. That they will hold on to me until I'm well again. And one day I can pull them off the ground and return the life line I'm so desperately clinging to.
So today is a better day for me. The simple fact that I can take time for this, proves to myself I'm feeling a little more like me. I'll take that... Because I kinda have to...
Oh Katie, if there is anything I can do just say the words. I would love to be one more life line in your swim. I grew up with a wonderful, loving, kind mother. But she also struggled daily with depression. There were days, weeks she could not physically get out of bed. But you know what? Never once did it occur to us that she didn't love and cherish us. The people who love you always know what your true heart holds.
ReplyDeleteIt can be a long journey but there is hope! My mom struggled for about 3 years before she found what worked for her and she has been her happy, true self ever since.
And like I said, drop me an email if I can help in any way ;)