and despite it all...

In my last few months, with all that has come up and all that has been sorted through, my end goal is to make it all mean something.  To learn from it.  To grow. Or even just make sense of it all.  I haven't done it on my own nor do I think its really healthy to..  And all that I learned, helps. And all that I taken from this, is useful.

In my 30 years(just under- lets say 29 1/2, ha) I've made a small handful of friends that I have come to find irreplaceable.  But a sad truth is this- they didn't see me the same way.  I know I'm not the first person this happened to and I certainly am not the last.  But when it happens to you- it hurts until you almost cant breath.
I was told I went through the grieving process (in a sense) like that of someone who died.  And I did that twice in one year.  To 2 of my most favorite people.  Irreplaceable people.  It sent me reeling and I think just now have i been able to stop.  I had made all their decisions that affected me- about me.  I made the reasons i was left behind, my fault.  Anything they chose to do, I made it about me.  And the truth is?  I was nothing to do with it at all.  They never thought of me in those decisions.

You see, I used to think that if some of my favorite people could leave me, that it reflected the kind of person i was.  The kind of friend I was being.  When it comes right down to it-  they really didn't think of me at all.  Does that hurt?  Yes, it really does.  Does that reflect who i was as a friend.  Not in the least.  I'm the exact same friend I always was.  The only thing that changed was them.  Well that, and the way I think...

When I used to make friends, I do so, blindly.  I'm a wear your heart on your sleeve kinda girl.  Or I used to be.  I'd love a person unconditionally and no matter what.  But I've learned a few things in the last couple years ( and I didn't even know it)  One of them is this:  friends need to have the same values you do.  If your gonna have something in common, at least for me, its gotta be values.  Whats important to me has gotta be important to them. Not in the little stuff but in life's big stuff...they gotta be honest, truthful, know what they believe in and stick with it.  That's just skimming the surface.  But at least I know what I'm looking for, should a new person come along.

And not for a second do I discount all the memories I made with those friends.  They mean something to me and they were still GOOD times.  I'll hold on to them tightly. And I'm not dumb enough to forget the friends I have currently.  And if anything, I appreciate them more.  I love their values. and their hearts. And I love that they still love me-despite this year.... Or maybe, because of this year... Either way...