History repeats itself

Well they say history repeats itself and I suppose thats true.  We took Grace Face in to her specialist AGAIN because she has lumps, Or chilasions, under both eyes, AGAIN.  YAY.  Never a dull moment, I guess.  But I'd take one, if any ones offering it.

Most of you probably remember the last surgery, being just inder 2 years ago. (remember this ?)
And its exactly the same thing.  Just blocked oil ducts that wont drain.  I asked the specialist if it was necessary, hoping i guess, that they could go away on their own over time.  She did tell me they aren't life or death, but they can cause vision complications if left.  Which left the decision to have them removed as a NO BRAINER.

And although I'm not in love with the idea of having Gracie put under again, I didn't want to be responsible for giving her eye problems down the road, simply because the other option made me uncomfortable.  If uncomfortable is even the right word.

Its just a day surgery.  very simple and straight forward.  Gracie doesn't remember the last visit, and I'm grateful for that.  SO she doesn't know whats coming.  And I'm grateful for that, too.  But her father and I do, and that's what makes a parent lose sleep and worry and basically ages them over night.  Ha. 

Any parent I'm sure can understand exactly what I mean.  And I do know that this is a minor, minor thing, especially compared to what other parents go through.  I should be happy that this a is a day surgery and that its fixable.  And I guess I am.  But I worry. I panic.  I stress....

I have a great support system and more people that love Gracie than I can count on all my fingers and toes.  That makes all the difference.  It really does.  But shes my baby.

Anyway, when does this year end?  Ugh, it doesn't even matter because her surgery leads into the new year anyhow.  But really, a little good news?  something?  nothing? ok... If we can just make it past January 4th, we'll be ok...

The more I learn, the less I know

Dear Tousin,

How many times can I say that I miss you before it seems insincere.  I'd Love to say I'll finally see you soon, but I don't think that would be very accurate.  The way our days go, and then our weeks- Our years pass us by and its so hard to fit things in-  Be they as sweet as you.  But one day, We'll be together.  Referencing dumb movies and making Jokes about our families.  Haha.

It was good, however, to hear your voice the other day.  It has a funny way of bringing me back to the basics.  You know what I mean?  Summer days, Hot air balloons, and shampooing our hair in the rain.  I think I need that.  Your that permanent friend, because of blood, but a little because of your charms. 

I wish I had good words of wisdom for you this week, but I'm a little afraid I haven't got it all figured out myself.  A few months had went by and I was fooled into thinking I had life a little figured out.  I was wrong, sadly.  What I had was a moment, when I look back.  But It was a good moment. Sigh. Haha.  The more I learn the less I know.  I can offer you what few gems I've discovered in the last few months, but with it comes a million new questions that I think have no answers to.  Or maybe I do, I just need more time. 

I'll tell you this... Life will surprise you.  You will only know how your going to handle them until after an you get a few breaths to figure out just what happened.  Brace for the problems.  That way you'll end up on your feet.  But, in case your caught off guard and you get knocked off your feet, Reach for the first hand that helps you up.  They might help you in the most unexpected way.  Or the most obvious way.  You don't know, but let them help you.

There will be a million reasons to be sad a day.  Satan will see to that.  But there may only be one reason to happy.  Jehovah will take care of that. Take it.  Hold on to it.  Repeat it.  Do what it takes to get to tomorrow.  Because there will be tomorrow.  Appreciate what you do have.  There are people who haven't got what we do. 

Your gonna feel forgotten.  Its not you.  Its not true.  Its not because your alone.  It happens to me.  It happens to the popular and the famous.  It wont last.  But I might feel like it will.  Your best bet is to call someone.  Or sleep it off.  I don't know, but I do know, It wont last.

That might help and it might not.  Nothing I say is fact.  And it might sound ridiculous.  It might very well be ridiculous.  But its all I got.  Its gonna have to do.

I miss you, I know that to be true. And I love you.

Loose ends

Last year I had wrote about a childhood fear of mine.  Bigfoot.  Robbed me of my youth?  Ringing any bells.  Well, in it, I had mentioned a picture that had been taken of me on a statue of a big gorilla, being terrified.  (Click here to be refreshed).

 Well recently, on a hunt in a picture basket I have (yes, a basket full of unorganized pictures) I came across that gem.  In any good movie or TV shows they never leave loose ends.  So that In mind, I wanted to post the picture.  Lets call it "proof" that there is truth to these stories I tell you.  Mostly. I'm kidding.  Everything I say has all the honesty anyone needs to hear from me. 

 

That's it.  In Order of appearance, Me, terrified and truly not enjoying the moment, the gorilla, lets call him harry, and my old neighbor, old roommate and one of my oldests' friend, Tammy.  How she remained all cool and collected, I'll never know.  Haha. 

 

Anyways, I found a little time to fit that in.  Have you came across any good pictures lately?  This one makes me smile every time.  Its good for me.. I should frame it.  Put it out somewhere where people will have to ask about it.  It'll be a great conversation starter.  If nothing else, it'll be a great reminder of the things that make up me and the people that know me the best.

 

 

 

 

 

 

no one said it was easy...

I hope you still check in her from time to time.  Even if nothing has ever been updated.  I live a life full of the best intentions, but usually what gets done in my day, is quite frankly, just enough.  The bare essentials.  We caught that winter cold, the "lets kick fall off with a bang" kinda flu!  But who hasn't?  If I've had it, you probably did too.  Blow your nose, down the last drop of tea, and move on, shall we?...


I have been thinking of writing here for a couple weeks now. Truth be told, I've been keeping busy.  Crossing things off my "to Do" list.  And if it wasn't that, I hadn't had much to say.  Don't get me wrong, I always have something, but some things aren't meant to be shared on the world of blogs, as least as far as this one is concerned.  I think to I need to arrange my thought so they make sense to me before I can write them down for you.  That process is only easy when its easy, you know?

I told you awhile back, I had to do something I wasn't wanting to do.  I was putting it off, therefore filling my days with things to keep busy.  We'll I finally did it.  Once it was done and sent away, I think I was waiting to feel settled.  Moving on.  Done.  Only I didn't. I don't.

I don't mean to be secretive, but this one means far too much to post it on my wall.  But I will share what I think I've processed in my brain, and who knows, maybe it might make sense to you even.

When we are babies we have so little control over who become our friends.  If your our neighbour, its quite convenient.  Same Kingdom Hall, perfect.  Same town, Done.  And the best memories I have come from those friends I had.  Proximity might not be a great story to be told, but I had me some of the greatest neighbours.  That being said, where our lives are going to take us from diaper days- we don't know.  We didn't get to choose that.  At least not for each other.

Where I find the problem lies is, Where do these friendships lead to in the next 28 years?  From Diapers to adulthood.   Who knows?  What I love about some of my friends is this:  I don't remember a time before them.  They were always there to begin with. But what is one to do when all our paths divide?  I don't just mean where we placed our homes and settled our hearts.  But the decisions we make that show us who we are as people.  We've attached our hearts to people from such a early start that when they make a decision that affects our futures, it can be heart breaking.  It can knock you off your feet.  And there is nothing you can do about it, except watch.  And my friends, that is so hard to do.  Your sleep can suffer and your thoughts can be consumed.  And its all outta your control.  Not once ounce of that will change anything.

Its not even that these friends are villains.  We all get to make our OWN decisions.  We have free choice.  And we are all held accountable  for own choices that only WE get to make.  There are so little things in life that truly matter in the grand scheme of things.  But some things You cant give in on.  At least not me.  So sometimes, you have to walk away from friends, or sometimes they will walk away from you.  and your heart will shatter. 

For me, I hope I've been a good enough person to them, that they know I still love them.  There is little they could do to change that. But they know where I stand, and I couldn't sleep at night either, if I thought I wasn't training Gracie that sometimes we have to make a stand that will feel awful but its is the best choice.  Somethings we cant compromise on. 

I watch Grace at the hall and she's making some pretty great friends.  I feel a little Jealous, haha.  Right now the biggest fight is over a toy and even that's forgotten by tomorrow. As hard as these things in life can be, I'm so glad my friends gave me the memories they did.  I'm even gladder that grace is making some of her own.  I love that.  But I hate this.  I hope for Graces sake, this system wont be long enough for her and her friends to make decisions like this.  I hope I raise Grace to know that even if this world brings you a plate full of hurt that its temporary and we'll soon forget the bad and only ever remember the good...

Change- Weather or not you like it...

I'm sure you've noticed. We talk about it all the time.  Its no mystery.  It happens every year. One can't will it away.  Make all the wishes you want, but you cant change it.  You spent all year willing it come and you spend the rest of your time hoping it will never, ever leave.  Yes, my dear friends,  Summer is ending and winter is on its way.

Out here in Alberta, they say we only have 2 seasons.  Winter and summer.  Summer is a good 3 months.  Winter?  Is the rest of the year.  I almost totally believe that.  This year is no exception.  And I'm finding it hard to let go of summer.  Don't leave me summer.  I'm sorry I was mad at you when it was hot.  Sorry I said that thing about the air conditioner.  I didn't mean it.  I mean, I did at the time, but now I feel like I was joking.

Do we share the same sadness??? Don't get me wrong, I can see the love in the fall.  beautiful brisk mornings and beautiful leaves.  But I feel like desperately grabbing at all things summer and never letting go!

I do, truly, believe those feelings are connected to whats going on in your own life.    You know me, I need to connect things.  I need things to make sense.  every feeling I have I need it to connect SOMEWHERE, to give it its place in my mind. So the fact that summer is ending and I'm maybe losing it, has got more to do with the things in my life that I cant fix or make sense of.  Meaning, If my summer ends, and there are things left unresolved, how on earth can I move on to winter? 

I have the impossible task, of learning to let go of the things I cant control.  I know, I'm not alone here.  I know that.  But some days... well some days I'm just mad about that.  Hence the cleaning(see here, to be reminded, ha) 

So recently, i did something I had been thinking about doing for a long time.  Something that was totally and completely in my hands.  I made a change.  Albeit a minor change.  It doest change my life, because what I wanted to change-  was not in my control.  So I changed it. 

Much like we cant control summer ending or winter coming, some things in our life are uncontrollable.  So I grasped at summer and I'm not letting go.  Not for right now anyways.  My change, while it didn't change my life, it changed my day.  And at this point, I'll take it.

So I wont recommend cutting your hair as an emotional outlet (that would be unwise and never the outcome I'm sure you'd be looking for) I do recommend changing something you are capable of.  Its can be something so small.  But it helps.  It feels good.  Your not sitting there idly waiting for the first leaf to fall, so to speak. 

Friends, Summer will inevitably end and the snow will fly.  That's outta our hands.  Problems in our lives might be outta our control.  But there is so much we can do.  Pull out your sweaters and boots.   turn on your heaters.  Do what we can to survive the winter. And our lives, of course.

My Greatest Adventure...

I have a baby that's growing up.  I was told that it would happen, and that it would happen quickly, but It kinda came as a surprise. But, as ANY parent would tell you, every bit of it is a privilege.  From the day I laid eyes one her I knew she was exactly what I wanted and what Geoff and I had been praying for.

My whole pregnancy felt like and eternity.  I was not one of those glowing mom-to-be''s.  Although, I'm not convinced those even really exist.  Its a story old people to tell to get suckers like me to have babies.  I'm kidding.  i think.  The first 3 months I was sick 24-7.  This is no exaggeration.  I slept on the floor of my TINY TINY bathroom.  I pulled on my blanket and pillow and slept there.  It wasn't exactly comfy but it was convenient.  And the cold floor was a welcome break from the sweaty vomiting.  Its so Graphic, I know.  If you weak for this stuff you might want to skip this.  But as I've scared with many people, when you've made/had a baby, your a super hero and your story should be told.  Ask any mom about her pregnancy, grab cup of coffee and listen.  We have been dying to tell you.  Every. Single. Detail.  Ha.

I felt and looked my best at this stage.. 5 1/2 months

Anyways, where was I?  Once the nausea passed, the next Trimester was my best.  But everyday seemed to drag.  But the was the worst of it.  Third trimester?  I was Huge.  Not just my belly, but my feet, my arms, and my face swelled.  Yea, super pretty.  Haha.

Then, when my due date came around (day 2 of our convention), something I wasn't prepared for happened.  The baby didn't come.  If your having a baby or thinking of having a baby, that's one thing I'd prepare you for.  As crazy as it sounds, when my due date rolled around, my heart and head had agreed to that date-  not a minute more.  I didn't agree to more.  I just didn't.  My whole 9 months, that date was right in front of me.  That's all the being sick, and uncomfortable and swelling was leading up to.  That one day.  I was literally heart broken.  I cried- sobbed.  I had a bit of an altercation on day 2 of the convention and I sobbed uncontrollably for 20 minutes.  True story.

They had had set me to be induced, as I was 10 days over.  I went in Friday ready to have that baby.  They sent me home.  They said it was a busy day but come back tomorrow and FOR SURE I'd be induced.  Well the drive Home I cried.  But sure enough, the next day came and They took me in.

Now the long and short of my delivery is this-  Is was a bit complicated, but could of been worse.  I wouldn't dilate properly and (now this isn't proper terms) that baby wasn't comin'.  A few times they said they might give me a c-section.  I never read up on that, so I was terrified.  But my nurses and husband kept me sane.  And I had a love affair with epidurals.  Seriously, that stuff is fantastic. 

In the end, 13 hours later, they ended up getting a specialist in and, used the forceps, deciding that i was too exhausted and the baby's heart was acting up.  13 hours.  And one beautiful baby girl That I instantly loved unconditionally.  I knew that in that SECOND that I locked eyes with her, I'd dye for her.  But In those first few seconds, I realized more fully, what a scary world we live in and how big a job I had as her parent to keep her protected.  For as Long as I could.

I ended up having to stay in the hospital a couple days because Gracie Had swallowed stuff on the way out so her eating wasn't right.  But Those two days where so Great.  Haha.  I love a hospital stay as it turns out.  They bring you all your meals and take care of you.  I was scared and that felt right.  And Gracie was such a dream baby.  I couldn't wait to hold when someone else had her.  I'd wake up in the night to feed her and I'd fall in love all over again.  Granted, I was in the hospital, where I had lots of help and medicine, but those where truly great memories for me.  I can remember exactly how I felt...

If you don't have and children of your own, you gotta take my word for it.  The love is unconditional and its intense.  Our days are hard and fleeting.  Our babies are, our babies, for our entire life, but we only truly have them for a few years.

 

"I can only imagine where these tiny feet will go in their lifetime. My only hope is that they never forget the way home." -Candice G.

  

Its hidden in the corners

Well, my friends, my summer has been a busy one.  Eventful and fun and great and stressful.   To say its all been peachy would be a stretch.  To say its all been bad, would be a lie.  Most days, it meets right in the middle.  I'll take that, because I suppose I have no choice. 

Our summer here in the north is starting to wind down.  And while I'm definitely not ready for winter coats and boots, you know how I feel about my routine going back to "regular".    I feel as if I've been nesting.   Or getting a late start on the spring cleaning.  Or even better, a super early start!

I've painted Base boards and cleaned closet after closet. I've organized cupboard and purged.  It feels great.  But This cleaning streak came out of nowhere... and I've been thinking it over in my mind ever since...

It seems, or so I've come to notice, that when there is something not right in my life, I will clean.  I don't even know where the energy comes form.  But it comes.  Does this happen to you too?  Its a therapy for me, I guess.  I do a lot of thinking when I clean.  I take out my aggression, I suppose.  Whats to that, I wonder?

I'm thinking, that energy comes from not being able to control the stress that is going on.  My insides can't take the anxiety, so it finds another way to come out.  I'm telling you, friend, My days are full and the big details of my life are pretty great. But there are those things that sit in the corner of my mind, out of plain view of my day to day, that hit my heart the hardest.  And I've managed to turn that into heavy duty cleaning.  Sigh.  I clean out the corners of my literal spaces and take away the stuff that's hidden from plain view.  I wipe the slate clean. Because sometimes in your mind, well, you just cant!

In the next couple of days I gotta sit down and do something that I've been putting of and leaving on our junk pile of a desk.. And I mean that literally and figuratively.  I don't want to take the energy, but it something that needs to be done.  And I'll do it.  But thankfully, I still have a couple areas in my home that haven't been organized and cleaned. 

And, just in case something big comes my way, I'll save the car cleaning for another week..

Those last 10 years...

If you can believe it, and I barely can, This year is my 10 year Graduation reunion.  And although I will not be attending, I'm left surprised that 10 years can fly by.  Do you know how many memories, good or bad, you can have in 10 years?  Do you realize how much can change?  How much you can change? 

Pic on the left, is me about a month ago, the right, the year I graded.

The person I was in High School, is long gone.  But that last year of school is still pretty fresh in my mind.  I can remember, vividly, knowing that my life was going to change in the biggest way.  Now, I never thought of myself as a fan of school, but looking back, it was my comfort zone, and I wanted to cling to that for as long as I possibly could.

Our high school had the tradition to play, through out the schools sound system, "schools out forever".  As a student of SRHS, you waited for that day, or moment.  You deserved it.  You worked for it.  It was a good 3 minutes. haha.  But when that song was over, essentially, so was our high school career.  Everything we had ever known, was done. 

Can you find me?

If you know me at all, you know that I am not a friend of a schedule.  They make me nervous.  So getting up every morning, trying not to miss the bus, be late for a class, REMEMBER my locker combination, well, it haunts my dreams to this day.  I'm not kidding.  At least once a month I dream I've missed the bus, forgot a combination- or whatever.  Does anyone know at what age that stops?  Maybe it should have stopped by now... Hmmm.

But to be done with school seemed so... cut and dry.  Too final.  I didn't know what I wanted to do with the rest of my life.  I didn't know what I wanted for lunch, never mind make a choice on a career.  Granted I had let myself get wrapped in other things and never stopped to think about what came next. I thought I'd marry my first love.  Yikes.  So when high school ended, everything I thought I wanted- changed. 

I'm pretty happy with what 10 years has brought me.  But if I close my eyes long enough, sit still long enough, I can remember EXACTLY what I felt like back then. I miss having my days looked after.  And my biggest concern was what I'd wear the next day. 

I have no idea what my high school friends would remember me by.  I guess my red hair, Like it or not, that's what everyone remembers me by.  But I kinda like the idea of being remembered-- er, in a good way...

I regret fully those bright lips, but what can you do?

amoung the very young

I have been thinking alot about numbers lately.  Seem like everyday we get a bit closer to something, whether you like it or not.  We have a 3 year old baby, In a 7 years marriage.  This summer I'll have been kicking around for 28 years.  My parents will have been married 35 Years.  I have a 30 year old sister.  30!  It was only yesterday I was 14, wishing to be on my own.  And NO i will try not to get into my pattern of talking about the good old innocence of youth days, but i think I need a minute to absorb the fact that I grew up faster than I planned on.

In so many ways, I'm happy to be exactly where I'm at in life.  But sometimes the numbers don't match the thoughts in my head.  I think it helps that Geoff and I have a few friends that are a few years younger than us.  It also helps that their shadows darken our doorway a few times a week.  They keep us in a loop and I think I kinda love that.

I can quite easily go on in my day to day and not think once about my age.  I just do the things I need to to do for now and I don't think a number has anything to do with that.  Until of course it does...

I think there is a fine line between acting your age and looking at life with a sense of humor.  I think I struggle figuring out how to be a good example for my baby but still being able to laugh at the totally ridiculous.  It helps that I have some of the most funny people in my life.  But at 28 years old, I still haven't got if figured out yet. 

I have this huge fear that I will look in the mirror one day and see a 40 year old trying to look 20.  Or maybe even worse a 40 year old look like 60 year old.  Oi.  I already might, but not from lack of trying.  Haha.

But I don't think I have to dread being older.  I had fun being little and I had my time to be a teen and carefree(well sorta) I had the newly wed years.  Its all been pretty ok.  I don't have a ton of reasons to dread being older.  But I do have a couple of good reasons to look forward....

I dont know much, but I do know this..

For the last few weeks we have been house sitting/babysitting for 2 kids, 2 lovebirds and a small dog we come to love call Purdy.  Not to mention watching my own love of my life.  This morning I had a few minutes of peace and quiet, while the kids were still in bed, and house guests.IE, my sister and bro in law were gone and Geoff was already off to work.  There was not tv on, no radio.  The birds weren't up yet and neither was the dog for that matter.  I had a beautiful 5 minutes to myself.  I pinterested and perused the ol' Internet.  And sipped morning blend coffee and enjoyed it like it should be enjoyed, before I heard the first pair of feet hit the stairs. 

I imagine most everybody has these moments.  You don't have to be a mom, to realize the greattness of a few minutes of peace.  And I think you should do with it what you wish, but don't waste it.  Catch up.  Reflect.  Sit.  I don't know much, but I do know this.  Don't waste it.

Do you remember the old song that was on the radio that talked about advice?  I guess I must of heard that some a million times back in the day, but when your younger, meaning can be lost on you, for no fault of your own.  It said that we should be careful about who we took advice, but to be patient with those who give it.   Saying, "Advice is a form of Nostalgia".  Its a persons way of digging into the past, finding old bad experiences, cleaning them up, figuring them out and recycling the good parts for "more than there worth".

Often times we are bombarded with advice, especially when we are moving on to a new section in our life.  People are only so willing to give you what they have learned to be true, sometimes not weighing out if its good for you to hear.  Sometimes I don't think I could blame a person.  I do believe with all my heart that people need their learning's, or life happenings, to be validated.  I hope that didn't sound condescending.  I mean it to sound the opposite, in fact.  If all we have done up until this point cant be recounted, reused or even, re said, it would feel a little worthless, wouldn't it?

And every once in awhile somebody says something that you needed to hear.  Something that really worked for you.  Even if you didn't use it.  And it could of came from the most unexpected person.  Don't be so quickly to close your ears to all who speak.  Or do.  Its your choice, but you have to live with the choices.

And, yes, there is a lot of sorting to do with the advice, and the most of it can be wrong for you, or not encouraging or even come from a person who clearly doesn't have your best interests in mind.  I know that.  But to discredit everything would be a bigger, unnecessary fight. I'm really just saying, every person has advice to give and they have a lifetime behind them.  So listen, or try to.  Then do with it what you will.  Those people are trying to make their past mistakes worth something.

Anyways, with all the advice I just gave you, the only one I hope you truly appreciate is this.  If you find yourself with a few minutes of peace, Don't waste it.  It wont be long before the first pair of feet hit the stairs.

write it down and send it to you

Dear Sparky,

Hey I've missed you.  I've been doing a lot of worrying lately and its exhausting.  Tyring to keep up with my life is hectic and I'm tired.  I haven't had time to talk to you lately and I think Its about time I do.  I've missed you...

I cant say that I have a lot going on with me.  Well nothing that time cant fix but I have spent a lot of wasted time worrying mostly about things out of my control.

For a start.. I thinking being a mom in this world has gotten harder.  I don't care that we have come along way with the way of raising these babies.  I feel like I get so caught up with the online world and comparing notes that it makes my head spin.  Who cares about too much sugar and starting early  potty train.  So what sponge bob square pants isn't educational.  I just want to raise this baby in peace.  Why is it so hard to let myself do that?  PS-  I like sponge bob too, i mean who doesn't, right?

I worry about my friends and the decisions they are making.  For I some, I'm frustrated that their days have to be so hard,  That sleeping at night is not possible.  That they need tomorrow to be better so desperately but the clock doesn't move fast enough for them.  For others, I think they have lost sight of whats really important.  They drifted so far  and I'm not sure they want any help. 

 I worry what the next 10 years will bring our family.  Everything is so unpredictable.  I pray we are raising Gracie to have the knowledge and the guts to do what she knows to be right.  I'm scared to have a teenager.  No.  I'm terrified.  I make Graces eyes light up when I come home.  I wonder when that will stop.  I wish it didn't have to.

 All this stuff is crazy to worry about, after all there is nothing I can do, not really.  I feel better just writing it down and sending it to you. Thanks for that.

Don't forget about our wine date tomorrow.  Remind me, so I won't.  I got lots on my mind, ;)  Come see me soon maybe.  It just might do us both good!

Love,

Tousin

Its hardly what you think..

I got to spend the last couple weeks with an old, Really Great, Friend.  It was so nice to catch up,  but most importantly, reminded of who I got in my corner.  Distance sometimes makes you forget, hey?   We cannot get together without talking about the good old days.  You know how it goes.  If you have a good friend, you will inevitably end up reminiscing.  Its one of those great things about old friends.  Its those stories that get us through bad days, even bad years.

And when we are together we always talk of what would of been had we not taken such different roads.  I think that's only natural.  I think.  But when it comes right down to it, her choices in life weren't that dissimilar to mine, just farther away.  We both got married and had our babies.  We both choose that, where our sisters choose something altogether different.  I think that kept Her and I connected.  At least that was part of it.

When we were 15 years old and talking about our future, I don't think either of us could of guessed where we would be now.  And its probably for the better.  Probably none of our lives, yours or mine, turned out like we imagined.  I'm so grateful for that.  I think you have to be.  The  people who plan out their lives and really follow through- well that's impressive.  Good for them.  I say that without sarcasm...well mostly. Haha.  But for those of us who had a plan but veered off at some point, well that's kinda brave too Inst it?  I mean we didn't know what to expect.  We changed our minds.  We were brave enough to follow our hearts. Or scared enough.  I don't know which.  I'm not saying one is necessarily better than the other, but I think we gotta accept what we choose- either way.  We can spend days wishing we made some different choices.  But we ended up where we are.  Good or bad.  And if its good, carry on.  If Its bad, dust yourself off and carry on.  At least do your best.  And remember who's in your corner.

My friend reminded me of that.  Now we have these beautiful Kids, every decision we  made to this point-  gave us these babies. And all our memories we made got us to this point too.  Thank goodness for that. 

Ignorance is bliss

When we were kids, do you remember how our summers seemed to last forever?  That last day of school in June seemed to have an endless amount of hot sunny days stretched out before you.  The things you were gonna do were endless and your options were wide open. 

For me, We always lived out in the country.  So my days looked aloft different than my Friends that lived in town. I spent days in our back woods and streams.  I'd catch tadpoles in the spring, so come summer I'd be forever looking for the frogs i knew they'd grown into.  I'd search the old abandon/burned down house next door.  Truthfully I had no idea what I was looking for, but I never found it;)

When I started to get older, I was at Stephanie's alot more through the summer...  My days started to get a bit shorter and I was starting to realize that the two or so months that we had weren't as grand and luxurious as I had once thought them to be.  BUT... they still held out late nite basketball games, afternoons spent watching much music and mornings spent in bed. I made friends in the next towns over and my  horizons were getting bigger. 

Once I moved out and was making a go of it on my own(and the occasional money transfers from daddy kins and mommy poo poo),  the shorter my summers really got.  For one thing, summers didn't have the big start I had believed them to have.  The other?  Without even noticing it, summer had long gone and I was into fall.  I started to really look forward to my weekend.  They were all mine, to do with them as I wished.  Man, do i wish I had used my single/free days a little/lot better.  But my weekends had a start and an end.  My mini summer.  Every week.

Now, at least this point in my life, my summers are busy, rarely do I get to do all the things I want, or what my little family wants.  Don't get me wrong, we have a good life, but its busy one.  My weekends are a blurr.  I don't even work out of the house(well just with Kaleb).  But those two short days are so packed full that some days  I cant wait for Monday, when Grace and I's schedule goes back to what I know and am prepared for.  I can relax and get done what the weekend wouldn't allow.

When I was I kid, I wish I had known what I really had.  Then again, I wouldn't of really got it would I?  I cant say I would have been smart enough to know what I had and truly appreciate it.  Of course, I think It was that ignorance that kept the summers so long for us, wasn't it?  Its funny to think, but the broader my horizon's got the shorter my summers got.  The smarter and more appreciative I got, the more I could understand what 2 months/60 days really was.

Looking at my baby girl, and knowing that summer isn't all that far away, I know that its my job to fill Gracie's days, the less she knows about time flying the better.  The longer I can keep her from understanding the 24 hour clock the better.  And Maybe, having her will keep me from counting the hours and get me more focused on whats going on in that moment.

The way to my heart...

 I think the weirdest thing you could ever know about me is: I hold full on conversations with my cats.  Now take what your imaging and times the weird factor by 100.  Because I don't just talk to them.  they talk back.  Well, I make up what there saying but, yes, we definitely have a full conversation.  I don't even know I'm doing it anymore.  I will do it in front of company.  Its out of my control.  It might be a sickness...

I've had cats longer than I can remember.  A large number of them were orange. I have a large one that's orange. I used to dress my cats up in outfits. Our doll clothes.  They hated me, I'm only so sure..oh but how i loved them. 

My heart broke a million times over when I had to leave behind my cat when I moved to Alberta.  I think hers did too.  I mean, I hope hers did too.  That sounds weird and I do realize that.  I do.

When I convinced Geoff that we needed a cat, we were only married 2 months.  That kitten became our baby.  I know- I know that people think that's crazy.  I do.  But I could care less.  We got to help rescue our other cat.  More than once.  But she was neglected in her first home and was in rough shape when she was brought to Tammy, my good friend who works at the vets.  So shes family too.  Our first babies.  The joke people liked to say to me while I was pregnant with Grace was, what if baby is allergic to cats.  I hated when people said that to me, because mostly they were tormenting me.  I always always said-The cats were here first.


I love that Grace will never remember a time where she didn't have a cat.  Its something from my past I've always been super grateful for, and I really really hope she will be too.  I think people who love pets have a softness about them.  I know that's corny.  I really do.  But I also know its true.

Do you have a cat/dog/ anything that is considered family?  Are you thinking about getting one?  I hope you do.  I really do...

Back on track...

Hi!  Its been awhile huh?  We've been busy and are gonna be busy especially this month.  We all shared that never ending flu.  so that took the better part of two weeks then we went on a little trip just Geoff and I-Vegas.  We had such a great time. It was the first time for both of us so we did alot of walking and taking in the sights.  And we shopped til it hurt.  But I gotta say, I was happy to get back to my baby girl.  She did just fine without us, but its still nice to smother that face with kisses whenever I feel like it.

And did I mention that My sister and I finally did some painting around here!  I'm bringing in some extra help before I re-hang picture's, but it i make any great changes I'll try to post it!  It feels like I'm getting a head start to my spring cleaning, and that makes me pretty happy.  I just got rid of 3 blue bag fulls of clothes.  Got rid of most of what I don't love.  Theres alot to be said about that.  3 bags full of clothing we held onto, because-  i don't know why.  But I cant wait to drop them in a bin.

Anyways, good to be back- hopefully on track!

This could really be a good life...

I don't know if it was that the sun shone last night before it set or maybe it was the song on the radio.  Maybe it was just a good day.  Or maybe I wasn't even aware that I was having bad days until I was having a good one.  But it was.  A good day, I mean. 

I'm not the person to rub it in your face that I'm happy. I don't believe those people, anyhow. I think if your telling people your happy all the time, your lying to them and yourselves.   I think I feel the need to be excited about feeling good even for silly reasons because I'm not a person that can be like that.  I don't know if that sounds pathetic or funny.  I'm usually pretty ok with it. But there are moments, and I'm thankful for these, that I know exactly what I got in this life and I'm pretty grateful for that.

I have been blogging with you for just over a year now, did you know that?  I think I get made fun of a little bit for that.  I guess that's ok.  But I have really enjoyed it.  It helps me.  I try to be pretty honest with how I view things.   I do leave out the horrible details of my life and of those I talk about ,I guess, because I just don't want to rant and its not my place to say.  I just want to talk.  And I dont want to reflect anyone's opinions cuz thats not fair.  I just want to write, I guess.

My world can be pretty small.  I like that.  I know I'm not cut out for world travelling.  I'm not a gourmet chef.  I can't sew.  I cant draw.  I havent got a ton of friends.  But I really love what I have in this life.  And the few really great friends I have, I can talk to any time I want to.  And I do.  But my world is bigger when I do this.  And not because there is a small handful of people who read this (and ask about me when I havent posted in a while.  Thanks for that by the way.).  But because I'm doing something that I love doing, outside of being a mom.

You know that city skyline always makes me think.  And when the sun hits it, it sure shines.  I dunno, maybe I just needed a little sunlight, or a moment to breath.  Or maybe I just NEEDED to see it that afternoon.  Whatever- makes no difference now, but it was nice...

"'Cause hopelessly
The hope is we have so much to feel good about"

Your gonna want proof

While the baby is in her room resting(ok, shes being disciplined)  I thought I take a minute and sit.  Rewarm yesterdays tea, and relax. 

This morning, I finally took a years worth of pictures and had them made into an album online.  It ships here in a week or so.  Its been so cold, ridiculously cold, so I took advantage of being home, to get that kinda of stuff away.

Looking through pictures of my last year was oddly gratifying.  If I was to break down our year into little pieces, I would of thought that this year was an awfully horrible year.  But Looking at the whole picture, or a whole pile of pictures,  my mind was changed.  Much to my relief.

I know there were days, even months, when it felt like we were holding our breaths the whole way through.  I remember praying for a break, If not for me, then for my friends.  We've known people who've died and people who wanted to.  We've had our baby in and out of emergency and put under in my arms for surgery.  Theres been heart murmurs and eye surgery's(Geoff's correctional one, not graces) and a countless number of sleepless nights.  For a year that drug on, it sure flew by us.

But I had some days, even some months that were so good.  My family got to Florida, the Maritimes. Gracie's surgery was great.  Theres been parties and movie nights.  Big Girl beds and bangs:)  And I have plenty of pictures to prove it.  Proof.  That's pretty good.  That's pretty great.

But all that said, its nice to start a new year.   Its nice to tuck away another book a pictures and memories and put away, till i need them anyhow...

This and That

I feel like we have been packing so much into our days and weeks, that we have had no normal days in quite awhile.  Its not that we have alot going on, but this time of the year, for everyone, just gets so hectic.  But for us its been a pretty good hectic.

At the beginning of December, We had CO visits, and colds AND Flu's.  And I will say this... Once you are married and you are sick, people forget their manners, by pass the, "oh, are you feeling better, do you need anything?'  and head straight to the "your not pregnant are you?"  I feel like saying, "If I was, do you think I'd tell you now, ...oh and I vomited in your purse, your gonna wanna clean that!"

I would never EVER say that(unless your a near and dear friend).  And I do realize its just human curiosity.  But C'mon...


We had family visit too, over the holidays, which is always a treat, since it means less cooking for me.  And we have had pool trips and shopping trips and New Babies.  Again, not me, A friend.  And that little Missy is so tiny and so precious, you could cry.


And having a 2 and a half year old is BUSY.  If its not milk all over the floor its Creepy smiley faces all over my walls.  And Yeesh, she talks no stop.  I mean, you new a new Webster dictionary to get the most of it, but its non stop still.  You'd like it.  Well, most of you.

And the most exciting thing?  We are headed to Vegas, Feb 23!  Staying at the New york hotel.  Sans La Baby.  I a little too nervous about that, so we aren't talking about it.  Lets just leave it at that.

So hopefully our life will slow down now, especially cuz I'd like to save monies before the trip.  That being said, I just wanted to share a little 50cent gem I picked up at a antique store.  While I will admit I have a stack of little plates, I couldn't pass up this deal.  And I love the shape.  I I knew exactly where I wanted to put it...

Anyways, Hopefully everyone has gotten 2012 off to a good start...In one way or another...