no one said it was easy...

I hope you still check in her from time to time.  Even if nothing has ever been updated.  I live a life full of the best intentions, but usually what gets done in my day, is quite frankly, just enough.  The bare essentials.  We caught that winter cold, the "lets kick fall off with a bang" kinda flu!  But who hasn't?  If I've had it, you probably did too.  Blow your nose, down the last drop of tea, and move on, shall we?...


I have been thinking of writing here for a couple weeks now. Truth be told, I've been keeping busy.  Crossing things off my "to Do" list.  And if it wasn't that, I hadn't had much to say.  Don't get me wrong, I always have something, but some things aren't meant to be shared on the world of blogs, as least as far as this one is concerned.  I think to I need to arrange my thought so they make sense to me before I can write them down for you.  That process is only easy when its easy, you know?

I told you awhile back, I had to do something I wasn't wanting to do.  I was putting it off, therefore filling my days with things to keep busy.  We'll I finally did it.  Once it was done and sent away, I think I was waiting to feel settled.  Moving on.  Done.  Only I didn't. I don't.

I don't mean to be secretive, but this one means far too much to post it on my wall.  But I will share what I think I've processed in my brain, and who knows, maybe it might make sense to you even.

When we are babies we have so little control over who become our friends.  If your our neighbour, its quite convenient.  Same Kingdom Hall, perfect.  Same town, Done.  And the best memories I have come from those friends I had.  Proximity might not be a great story to be told, but I had me some of the greatest neighbours.  That being said, where our lives are going to take us from diaper days- we don't know.  We didn't get to choose that.  At least not for each other.

Where I find the problem lies is, Where do these friendships lead to in the next 28 years?  From Diapers to adulthood.   Who knows?  What I love about some of my friends is this:  I don't remember a time before them.  They were always there to begin with. But what is one to do when all our paths divide?  I don't just mean where we placed our homes and settled our hearts.  But the decisions we make that show us who we are as people.  We've attached our hearts to people from such a early start that when they make a decision that affects our futures, it can be heart breaking.  It can knock you off your feet.  And there is nothing you can do about it, except watch.  And my friends, that is so hard to do.  Your sleep can suffer and your thoughts can be consumed.  And its all outta your control.  Not once ounce of that will change anything.

Its not even that these friends are villains.  We all get to make our OWN decisions.  We have free choice.  And we are all held accountable  for own choices that only WE get to make.  There are so little things in life that truly matter in the grand scheme of things.  But some things You cant give in on.  At least not me.  So sometimes, you have to walk away from friends, or sometimes they will walk away from you.  and your heart will shatter. 

For me, I hope I've been a good enough person to them, that they know I still love them.  There is little they could do to change that. But they know where I stand, and I couldn't sleep at night either, if I thought I wasn't training Gracie that sometimes we have to make a stand that will feel awful but its is the best choice.  Somethings we cant compromise on. 

I watch Grace at the hall and she's making some pretty great friends.  I feel a little Jealous, haha.  Right now the biggest fight is over a toy and even that's forgotten by tomorrow. As hard as these things in life can be, I'm so glad my friends gave me the memories they did.  I'm even gladder that grace is making some of her own.  I love that.  But I hate this.  I hope for Graces sake, this system wont be long enough for her and her friends to make decisions like this.  I hope I raise Grace to know that even if this world brings you a plate full of hurt that its temporary and we'll soon forget the bad and only ever remember the good...