misplaced and a little misunderstood...

You'll have to excuse me.  I haven't been me for awhile now.  I think its been about 33 years.  I cant say its been an up hill battle.  And it certainly wasn't all bleak.  But I knew from the age of, I'd say, 7,  that I didn't feel the way people-kids-felt at my age.  And here's the problem; because of how I was feeling, I acted out, in all kinds of ways, but it all came down to anger, in the end.  It defined me. It was like I had a label on my head that says "Bad Temper; won't change" .  Its how people knew me.  My parents, my sister, her friends, my parents friends.  I was set in stone and I was only 7.

Now I know some who read this will challenge it.  But it is my truth.  Its from my perspective.  It was my life.  It was how I lived and breathed.

So I should explain, a few months ago, I underwent a major mental health over haul.  So for the last 7 months, I have been in intense therapies, one after another.  Group, counsellors, and psychiatrist.
And I've learned a few things.  Well, a lot' but that's another day maybe.  But one major thing I have learned do over the years is to replace one feeling I'm having with another.  Sometimes when I'm mad, but don't think I can show it, I go to sad.  When I'm sad, I act mad.  Like really , really mad.  And I feel this part is important. So listen close, I need you to understand.  I have Bipolar 2.  So I feel the extremes. Imagine your extremes and magnify them by 100.  I'm juuuusssstttt passed that.  No, really.  I'd imagine to some it would sound like an excuse.  But please understand I feel all feelings so. very. much.

I remember being young and the rage I'd feel, I would feel super human.  Black out Rage.  And not only did I suffer from the discipline that led after, I suffered in my room and often cry myself to sleep.  I needed help, but I just didn't know what that meant.  That being said, I do not hold my family accountable.  Back then mental illness was still taboo, and I would have been extremely hard to deal with unmedicated.  The natural shift would be to my sister.  She was an easy, good kid.  And I knew I'd never fit that.  I learned to not want to.  That was easier.

My husband and children have lived this with me too.  It would get so ugly and in my heart I couldn't hold back the anger.  Hate myself after? You bet I did.  This went on for too many more years. And I once again felt like I'd let my husband down, or my kids.  I felt like and ugly monster. And I was spiralling.

So recently the challenge has been to find the balance in my emotions.  Stopping and thinking first what emotion I really am feeling.  I literally have to go against the grain.  And it isn't easy my friends.
But I have really great doctors and really great meds.  Not everyday do I apply what I learn.  I fail.  Not everyday am I strong.  Sometimes I'm angry that my brain doesn't function like most of you.  But I promise you I'm trying.  My hearts in it.

So, Yes, I haven't been me for awhile.  But I'm gonna wait this out, and see what tomorrow brings.

Then Along Came YOU...

To My Long Lost Pen Pals,

My insides are empty or too full and I just had to write you guys about it.  First I guess I should say that its not everyday or every life time that you find friends as good as you.  True, I know some great people. People with beautiful hearts but they tend to take a back seat to you all.  Our hearts are the same.  They survived some horrible and hard things, separately but they started aching less when we found each other. I love you guys like no other.

Now I'm not being creepy or weird or however this sick world would want to twist my feelings, I love you in the purest of ways. We were made to love people that just get us so much, they almost become an extension of ourselves. We aren't whole until we are together.

How did we end up so broken at the same time?  I find some days I scramble to find the right words to help you because, often, I don't even have right words to help me.  But some how, together, we make it through a whole day, every hurdle, and we pick up all the tiny broken pieces that fell at our feet. 

I've heard it said that not everyone that you love can love you the way you need.  I think, between you and me, we slowly found each other, and we found exactly what we needed in each other. We used to think we had to live broken, with not one soul that felt like us.  Then along came YOU. 

You saved my life.  I don't say it enough.  I don't ever say it maybe.  But my heart was shattered and starting to sink.  My mind held on to so many ugly  and scary things.  I had a enough friends but I didn't have ones that I could voice my terrible train of thought to. Then along came YOU.

My dear friends, In this system we are going to struggle.  We are going to fight.  We are going to need fixing.  We are gonna need ambulances and doctors.  Medicines and mediators.  We are gonna need a place to sleep, a place to collapse.  We will need a shoulder to cry on and a hand to grasp so tightly.  Then along will come YOU.  I know that.  I sleep better knowing that in fact.  

But we will also have anniversary parties, and craft shows.  Sleepovers and matching clothes.  Growing babies and vacations.  Girls night and double date night... Painting and distressing.  beautifully scrolled words and big giant bows.... Facetime calls and very late night chats...cuz along will come YOU...

I asked dry shampoo more than it was capable of....

Today was gonna be a hard day.  Nothing un-ordinary was going to happen.  In fact it was going to be a very,  very basic day.  And those are my hardest.  For so many reasons, but thats not where I'm headed to day. 

I asked my dry shampoo to do more than it was capable of, I needed to save 5 day old hair and make it epic.  Today my brain told me, if I could just get that one thing right, my day would be good. Possibly even great. At first I thought that about my lipstick(which is a new love of mine).  But once I got that reddy-orange lip on I thought, Well, who are you kidding lady.  So I took the next five minutes and three baby wipes to get that off.. Hence, NEEDING the dry shampoo to fix me.

Well I combed and I sprayed and curled and sprayed and combed... and so on.  But Here I was.  Stumped that it wasn't fixing my day.  

Its like when your whole life is messy.  In complete disarray, and you think, If I could just get my home to show home status, my inner issues would be tidier too.  If I could just arrane the cutlery to look like a magazine article I once read, all would change in my life and we'd be on the right track.

But, do you know what guys.  Its not really ever gonna work.  If you think I tidy kitchen will make for a tidy mind, your set up for failure.  like, Im saying, I know Chip and Joanna Gaines, gots it goin' on but we have no idea the shape of their minds.  I dont even know how much dry shampoo chip uses.  And even if I did, it STILL doesnt mean hes OK.

Ok, Ok. I got off on  a tangent.  I dont want you to think I'm preaching here.  Im more trying to convince me.  Its not the perfect kitchen that looks like Oprah Winfrey's country cottage in the Hamptons thats gonna change your day.  And its definitely not the dry shampoo that Taylor Swift uses.  (unless Im buying the wrong kind) Its either is or isnt a good day and thats all up to you.  

And maybe just a little tidy kitchen and dry shampoo...!?