When I walked in to that Doctor Office that day, I knew who I was. I had a handle on me. I knew when I went to bed at night, what made me, me. But I walked out gone. The person I knew to be me, had up and disappeared and I was left with what felt like a stranger in my heart. To you maybe, that seems impossible. Or dramatic. And I guess maybe its both. But its also true.
Going in there that day, I was looking for help, for a new med, maybe a break. But mostly help. At least I went in for the right reasons. Because coming out, I needed to be ready to take on a monster. My own head and sadly, I guess, my heart.
Since having Anna, my moods have been all over the place. Which is expected post partum. But for some one like me feels all the normal "feels" are much more extreme. But I knew and expected that, in all honesty. So the day came where I recognized that I needed to see my doctor and I needed to be better for my family and for me. So in I went. But out came a stranger.
The diagnosis? Bipolar Disorder. Now you might think, C'mon, someone like you never thought of that possibility before. And truthfully, I had. Many years ago. But long enough ago to know, I wasn't likely taking an honest evaluation of me. Sure I knew I had ups and downs, but I thought the ups were me as a person and the downs were depression. It wasn't until walking out of that appointment and slept on it, that I truly looked back on my timeline and seen the very clear pattern of "me".
The "me" I know, when she is happy, was/is the life of the party. I'm fun, out going, happy, energetic, spontaneous. I have a total false confidence. But sometimes, mid day, mid evening, or mid-night, all that slips away in a matter of time. Seconds, sometimes. And I am left with the "other me". My future feels bleak in those days or hours or whatever. I have not one tiny hope in my very tired body. All my goals of yesterday are insurmountable. Unattainable and mostly- unimaginable.
Through a night I can clean my entire home. Organize the pantry. Wash, dry and put away the laundry. I can meal plan for a week. Budget. Plan my life. Water the plants. All while my family sleeps. Then I can get them up and do all the things I need to do that day. And repeat, until who knows when. And then as fast as my mind races, I'm back to bed barely able to feed my kids, let alone me. And repeat, until who knows when.
So here I am. 2:16 a.m. two coffees in and processing this stranger I came home with. You know that saying, "I knew who I was this morning, but I've changed a few times since then." It rings in my head over and over. I guess it doesn't have to be a bad thing. And properly cared for, I can be a good mom/wife/friend. And I'm no stranger to mental illness but I'm in a foreign field, it feels like, and I'm so tired of the ups, because of the downs. But mostly, I'm just tired...
Friday, July 28, 2017
Sunday, December 13, 2015
Our 2015
I can't believe 2015 is almost over. It's been a year, but I don't have to tell you that. You've been listening. Thank you for that. I feel like we grew uP this year. We changed. We fell apart, all the while falling into a new place. I guess that's not all bad but I'll tell you this much, it hasn't been easy either. My best dream and my worst nightmare all fit into one picture. If that's not truly scary, I'm not sure what is.
Of all the things Geoff and I have survived, this year was our greatest accomplishment to date. We struggled between holding on to what hurts us to our very core, to running full force forward into days that aren't so ugly. Do you know what I mean? The beauty of life, I think, can be, that the days keep on coming no matter what. You can't stop them and you can't hurry them. But day in and day out they pass by.
Not ONE day passes by do I not look at Grace and remember something that makes me lose my breath. Some days, I'm gasping for air, quite literally. And that's the truth. Especially as we get closer to our "1 year anniversary". My quietest moments are my hardest, when I'm least expecting it too. But, this year didn't leave me with nothing, that is for sure.
What we think about, what brings us back around, is remembering those who got us through the rough days. As long as I remember the horribleness, I will NEVER forget, the family and friends that were by our side and I don't just mean literally. You really learn who your real friends and family are when they give you all that they can, when you simply have nothing to return.
We had people that barely know us, send Gracie gifts. We had people who NEVER met us, send donations. We had people we barely talk to, drop by the hospital as soon as word got to them. We were included in prayers that we so desperately needed. We had people that visited EVERY SINGLE DAY. We have people that still ask, if we are ok. Our tiny family has seen first hand how closely knit Jehovahs people are. And especially how well Jehovah provides. That alone makes this year survivable.
Now that this year pretty much over, I know how we survived. I know we managed, even though we're still not sure the storm is over. But I do know this, none of us are the same people that went into the storm...
Of all the things Geoff and I have survived, this year was our greatest accomplishment to date. We struggled between holding on to what hurts us to our very core, to running full force forward into days that aren't so ugly. Do you know what I mean? The beauty of life, I think, can be, that the days keep on coming no matter what. You can't stop them and you can't hurry them. But day in and day out they pass by.
Not ONE day passes by do I not look at Grace and remember something that makes me lose my breath. Some days, I'm gasping for air, quite literally. And that's the truth. Especially as we get closer to our "1 year anniversary". My quietest moments are my hardest, when I'm least expecting it too. But, this year didn't leave me with nothing, that is for sure.
What we think about, what brings us back around, is remembering those who got us through the rough days. As long as I remember the horribleness, I will NEVER forget, the family and friends that were by our side and I don't just mean literally. You really learn who your real friends and family are when they give you all that they can, when you simply have nothing to return.
We had people that barely know us, send Gracie gifts. We had people who NEVER met us, send donations. We had people we barely talk to, drop by the hospital as soon as word got to them. We were included in prayers that we so desperately needed. We had people that visited EVERY SINGLE DAY. We have people that still ask, if we are ok. Our tiny family has seen first hand how closely knit Jehovahs people are. And especially how well Jehovah provides. That alone makes this year survivable.
Now that this year pretty much over, I know how we survived. I know we managed, even though we're still not sure the storm is over. But I do know this, none of us are the same people that went into the storm...
Thursday, November 26, 2015
I should buy a boat...
My thoughts run wild and free and I know so little about controlling them. As a person with mental health issues(that I try not to make a habit of talking about, ha) my thoughts are often panicked and quite frantic. They drift between, wondering how to be the perfect house wife, mom, and friend, to, "should I get a dog?".
This is not a joke. Sometimes on my worst days, I think, I should surprise the family, really shake things up. Bring home a adorable puppy. Then our lives would be so much more complete. Meanwhile, I haven't properly cleaned my own home. We need groceries to fill the fridge and my hair is in desperate need of washing. But I cant think in a straight line. And a puppy could fix everything.
Thats insane I know, and I''m almost always able to reign those thoughts in, or, have someone else help me. So, no, we don't have a puppy and I don't even want one today. TODAY. At least in this moment. At least not before lunch. HA!
But people like me, or, ha, just me, when we get the energy AND the idea on the same moment, we, me, tend to run with it. Pack it all in, because we don't know when that's all going to come crashing down, quite frankly.
So yes, I'll wake up one morning and decide to paint the bathroom, while spring cleaning between coats drying. I'll clean out the car and gut the house, take the bottles to the depot, and mow the lawn. I'll do that in a morning, because I can. The next day I could be in bed all day.
I feel the lows but on man do I feel the highs, haha. And those frantic thoughts make up me. At least at this point in my life. So from the outside I may look like I'm under control but on the inside, I'm wondering if I should buy a boat?
This is not a joke. Sometimes on my worst days, I think, I should surprise the family, really shake things up. Bring home a adorable puppy. Then our lives would be so much more complete. Meanwhile, I haven't properly cleaned my own home. We need groceries to fill the fridge and my hair is in desperate need of washing. But I cant think in a straight line. And a puppy could fix everything.
Thats insane I know, and I''m almost always able to reign those thoughts in, or, have someone else help me. So, no, we don't have a puppy and I don't even want one today. TODAY. At least in this moment. At least not before lunch. HA!
But people like me, or, ha, just me, when we get the energy AND the idea on the same moment, we, me, tend to run with it. Pack it all in, because we don't know when that's all going to come crashing down, quite frankly.
So yes, I'll wake up one morning and decide to paint the bathroom, while spring cleaning between coats drying. I'll clean out the car and gut the house, take the bottles to the depot, and mow the lawn. I'll do that in a morning, because I can. The next day I could be in bed all day.
I feel the lows but on man do I feel the highs, haha. And those frantic thoughts make up me. At least at this point in my life. So from the outside I may look like I'm under control but on the inside, I'm wondering if I should buy a boat?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)