Try if you can...

In my last few months I've learned a lot and nothing at all.  How can that be?  In my many attempts to get my life on track I just haven't seem to be able to find my proper footing.  All that I have found enjoyment in is gone and all that used to work is broken.  I'm trapped in an unending cycle.  The few things I've learned, however are monumental and have changed me forever.  In this system. 

The biggest thing and hardest thing to accept is this:  The person I once was is long gone-  But to that end- there is a new me coming out of this.  Oh, how I miss the old me.  I've been mourning that loss all along. Its one thing to change because you wanted to.  Its another thing altogether to change because your trying so desperately to survive. 

I've learned- or rather- am learning my limitations.  And currently I have a lot.  There can be things in this life we want to do...even on a daily basis.  But I just cant.  There isn't the energy.  You can want to do it all day long.  But really, your just working against yourself, if you cant.  I have a tendency to want to be all things to all people.  Ha.  Well that's next to impossible for anyone, let alone me. 

My therapist (I say that lightly) has me down to one thing a day.  ONE THING. Make supper.  Visit a friend.  Clean the kitchen.  But just one thing.  One thing I can tackle.  And accomplish.  And feel good about.  Huh.  Pretty easy.  Well.  It should be.

I say no to a lot more things now.  Which I wouldn't before.  But I've been forced to know what is going to weigh me down, even if it should be a little thing.  But as it turns out, saying no, is just saying no.  No one likes you any less.. Well if they do they aren't going to tell you. HAHA.  It doesn't change who you are or who you want to be. Its just saying know because its necessary to keep things for yourself (or your family)-  mainly your energy.  If you need someone to give you permission to say no, here it is.  Say no.  It gets easier I can promise you that. 

Also, I am Trying so hard to not hide how I really am.  It can be so much easier to say, "I'm Fine."  And really your insides are screaming.   But no one can be there for you if they think you're "fine".  And that's no ones fault but your own.. And it can be a hard struggle on your shoulders and your families.  Hiding hurts way more than we allow ourselves to believe.  Now having said that I'm still in the process of figuring out how to do this.  And not feel embarrassed about who I am. 

Anyway, I'm trying to be better at all these things and make myself well again.  I hope its working.  I'm willing to try... And that can be half the battle, right?....

perfect to me.

How am I doing?  We all know that's been a loaded question for me these days.  And when you do ask, I probably wont ever give you a straight answer or a real answer. But right now in this very moment. I'm ok.  Ok on my level means, I didn't sleep and I woke with a migraine and I'm broke and I'm tired.. But emotionally I'm ok.  Haha, I'm ok as I can get.  Hey I'm washing curtains, when two weeks ago couldn't lift my arms above my head.  I'm doing pretty good.  Its a good thing my parents raised me with a sense of humor.  It really is.  Its a gift I'll be forever grateful for.

I kinda wanted to wrap up that last of all this wedding saga.  The last and final dance.  It happened this last Saturday.  I'd like to say it went off without a hitch but that's not exactly true.  We couldn't get the music to play and when we finally did it got shut down after a couple SHORT hours.  Much to my dear friends disgust.  And rightly so, as she put many hours into arranging, sorting, and choosing hours worth of music.  But My friends, It was so perfect, to me.

The people I have in my life that I had to let step in and take over when I just couldn't- well, they went above and beyond to make sure that dance was perfect.  they took Ginny's beach theme and ran with it.  Incredible.  It was pinteresters dream and night to compare to no other.  At least for me.  And those few short hours of music- I danced.  No I haven't got the moves like Jagger (ugh, did I really just make that joke?  I think my dad just made that joke last week.  See!  Humor- I didn't say witty humor- c-mon)  But does it really matter when you just want to enjoy?  Nah, not to me.  And my best girls were there, Most of em anyhow. The girls that hosted that night don't know it- but that's the most fun I've had in a long while and they can never understand what that could mean for me.

Anyway-  The bride looked fantastic- as did the building.  Hopefully a few days from now or months- all the hard work my friend put in- they'll see the night exactly how I did...


The ladies who made the evening happen

 

 

Groom and Bride

 

 

 

 

wedding daze.

Amidst my life, I have my great moment.  And that's because I have some really great people in my life.  So like I've told you before, I was able to be in a wedding that took place in my hometown.  The double whammy!  Home! and a wedding! 

I knew once my feet hit that New Brunswick sand, my heart would be faster, my pace would be quicker and my smile bigger.  I was always a treat.  It was so nice to see all those familiar faces.  Being home is a comfort I've tried to explain to you, but the truth of the matter is, words don't do home justice.  They just don't.

And the wedding?  went off without a hitch.  Lots of hard work went into that wedding, but in the end it was such a GREAT day.  Our Bride and Groom were the happiest, and on that day, that's all that matters, right?

Well I thought I'd share some pictures with you... Enjoy!