The process of correcting..

I've always had grand ideas for this blog.  My biggest mistake has been telling you about them, promising them and not delivering.  not that I think necessarily your holding your Breathe for me.. But maybe ...???

But to be honest my friends, my summer has been hard thus far.  And my year has felt unbearable.  I've struggled back in forth on whether to share with you or not.  But as of late, it's felt a little freeing to let people in on my life.

I don't have anything life or death wrong.  My family is in tact and I love them all like no one else.  But I,m sad.  I hurt on the inside.  My life has felt like its spinning out of control and the only person who can see it is me.  And I,m completely helpless to stop it. Or at least I was.

My Doctor Says I'm not that abnormal... So that's good hey? And I,m in the long process of correcting it. And this is not a cry for help because trust me, I'm being well taken care of.  I jut thought I'd share, so maybe it didn't seem so scary to me.

I don't know if you can relate or not, but its hard days. And sometimes there seems to be no good light.  But on the better days I can see the kindness I've been shown.  Because in the last month I have done my share of crying on my friends couches, and not making sense I'm sure. I'd be holding on to the coffee coup as tight as I could because it's the only solid thing on my whole person.  I felt so desperate to feel better and to convey exactly now I felt.  And with every sip of my coffee, realizing my hurt wasn't going  anywhere  on its own.

When I finally came to a certain peace, I could see how depression makes you a selfish person, but at the same time, not having the power to stop it.  Because you so badly need what ever your friends will give you.  You want to grab their life line and keep a float until the next person comes along for relief ...

My only hope for my friends is that they know this is not the person my heart knows me to be.  That they will hold on to me until I'm well again.  And one day I can pull them off the ground and return the life line I'm so desperately clinging to.

So today is a better day for me.  The simple fact that I can take time for this, proves to myself I'm feeling a little more like me.  I'll take that... Because I kinda have to...

Always a bridesmaid...

In this life, If are fortunate enough to have a handful of great friends, you are doing good.  No.  Your doing Great.  Remember that! 

In the last few months we have been so busy, its ridiculous.  But out of these months we have pulled some fantastic memories out.  The first of many was a personal shower I hosted for my friend Ginny.
I was her maid of honor this spring, so to kick of the first few weeks that led up to her wedding, we had the party. 

Her friends happen to my friends too- for the most part.  So needless to say, it was a pretty great afternoon. If you know me at all- I take on too many projects and within each project I have these ideas of how I want things to be.  The thing about my Ideas is this-  I have no Idea how to execute them.  Almost at all.  I do the best I can and hope my friends know that the hap hazard things I do come from a good place- albeit it frightening at times.

But this party turned out.  Did all my visions of perfectly done pinterest projects turn out-  no.  Did I transform my little suite into a dream.  Hardly. But at the end of the day I gave it all I had.

It was a toe party.  How great an Idea was that?  So 20 Girls got all their toes painted and designed.  With good food, good wine and a gratuitous photo both situation- it was a pretty special afternoon for me.  Thankfully I have some great ladies to helped me pull it all together and keep me sane.

Remembering that there aren't too many opportunities to be a maid of honor or even a bridesmaid- all the exhaustion and worry is worth it.  Right?! yea, right...

Every spring.

In the last few weeks around our little home, Spring has begun.  Not in the weather, of course, we live in Alberta after all, but in the cleaning department and getting things done.  I love it and hate it equally.  We all know I get some sick satisfaction out of cleaning.  But My other huge problem is having no balance. Start five different projects at once, finishing none, living in disorganized chaos, and ultimately feeling over whelmed. Every. Single. Spring.

It hasn't all been a write off, I have finished a few little cleaning up/gutting out projects, but all at the same time adding to my list.  No Balance.  But I also find at this time, I'm lacking all the good things the sun provides and I'm in desperate need of a pick me up.  Keeping myself busy, keeps my mind busy and there is a certain reassurance about that.  At least for me.

But that's what I've been up too, I'm hoping in the next week or so to be done a couple major projects, that I can share with you.  I also have a wedding and a trip coming up.  Like I said busy.  And exhausted, but Lots to share in the very near future:)