I'm goin' back to the start

Today I got to head out for an acupuncture appointment.  I say "get to " like its some sorta treat.  In some weird way, it really is.  It hurt so bad today.  SO BAD.  I wanted to scream or cry, or both.  (the lady beside me did)  On the drive to my appointment, I tried the singing like I'm a rock star thing, but, I wasn't feeling it.  Just sadness.  SAD, right?  C'mon me, pull yourself outta this.  And then I thought "I want to go home."  Then a few hours later, I get a call from Stollery setting up the exact time for Grace's surgery.  I hung up the phone and cried,  for the first time since this all went down.  And then I thought," I want to go home"

My family, aka, Mom and Dad and Sister, all live her now, so by "home" I mean the Maritimes.  I've learned, over time, that being in areas that I have seen my whole life, with people I have seen my whole life, comforts me.  Grace Has her soother, and I have "home".  Isn't there something in the fact that we go back to where we started when things get a little scary?  Is it just me?  I gotta think, I'm not all that uncommon.  Going back to where you started just seems to help me get my footing again.  And the physical distance it puts between me and my life, well, I call that breathing room.

So, Yes, I want to go home.  The Pevlins, and their kids, are all back in the Maritimes.  They are  my second parents (or who I so affectionately call my foster parents) And they  are where I crash land while I'm home. Pevlins were my next door neighbours when I was born, and from what mom tells me, Shirley potty trained me, because I wanted to keep up with Stephanie.  At least 4 days of the week I was at their home.  Any given day.  They let their home, be my home.  I  could dig in their fridge, sleep over on school nights, and hey, I even had my own laundry pile.  Their place was the ONE place I could go and never feel homesick.  Looking back, I'm pretty grateful to of had them.  Hopefully Gracie will have some people like that in her life one day.

I don't know that I will be able to go home, especially before Grace turns 2 and we have to buy her ticket.  When there's time, there's no money.  When there's money, there's no time, ya know?  But I will keep my eyes open and watch for good sales on seats.

This month has been awful.  These next few days will be worse.  Maybe when Its all said and done, this constant lump in my throat will go away, along with the anxiousness in my belly.  But, I'll still want to come home.  Pevlins, I miss you, and  really hope your new place has a room for me!