Every now and then I get a little bit terrified

 I have had nervous energy since as early as I can remember.  Most of this came out in biting my nails.  I bite them till they bleed. EVERY SINGLE NIGHT, I can feel my heart beat in at least one of my fingers.  I have chewed one nail completely off once.  It took a LONG time to grow back.  I also twist my hair.  I twist it until I hear a snap and then I start over.  If I try to stop either of these habits,  I have and actual ache in my gut-  a craving, I suppose.  As a adult, these habits are so unattractive, I do realize.  And If I could stop I would.  Well maybe I could, but i think I'd rather work on a million other things and keep those comforts.

When I was about 13 years old, I started having anxiety attacks.  I can remember sitting in my classes and feeling a rise in panic, over absolutely nothing.  My heart would race and I could barely breath.  It was all I could do to keep my self seated and not run from the room.  Or i would be at a service group and start feeling so nervous I thought I'd be sick.  At night I would start feeling sick to my stomach knowing I'd have to leave for school the next day.  The next day I'd be scared to death the walk out the door, not knowing when my next attack would hit.  My Dr. eventually said they were anxiety attacks and that I could take gravol to control the nausea.  I can remember refusing to walk out the door because I had no gravol to take with me.  I made my mom drive me to the pharmacy to get more.  Than I made her drive around until I felt the gravol kick in.

When I got to be about 17, public speaking became impossible.  If had an essay to read in class, I would shake and sputter the whole way through it.  I would get to my seat and hide tears of embarrassment.  At the hall commenting had the same reaction and giving a talk became impossible.

I don't have panic attacks all that often anymore, in fact, I hardly have any.  Mostly, though, they come when I least expect them.  most in the middle of the night.  I had one the other day at the theatre, when I was out with a couple of friends.  I felt like i had a fever and that there was a 1000 pounds of weight resting on my chest.  I took of my coat and sweater and fanned my self to feel like I was getting enough air.  I keep my attacks to myself usually, and come to think of it, that likely makes them worse.  It makes me more panicky.

Public speaking is still really hard for me.  But I make myself put my hand up at least once a meeting, if at all possible.  I can now be a householder again and not freeze up, and have be able to for about 3 years.  Picking up the phone when it rings still puts me on edge.  I screen almost every call.  Not because I don't like people, but for some reason, the phone gets me jittery.  So I just avoid it.  (this drives my friends and family crazy)

My doctor when I was a kid, described it as, I was scared that I would get scared.  And until he said it, I would never of be able to describe it.  But that's the simplest way.  I had anxiety over getting anxiety.  Sounds pretty messed up hey?

A funny story?  My wedding.  There is a high stress situation for ya.  I had to walk down the isle in front of a crowd.  And than say my vows- in front of a crowd.  Yikes.  I begged to elope.  I was willing to not have all the things that make your wedding a memory just to avoid that hour of anxiety.  Geoff said no, and my mother would of killed me.  So walking down the isle I shook like a leaf.  My friends mom had to remind me smile.  Then when it can time for me to say my vows, I had NO voice.  I know  people thought i was choked up in the emotion of it, and maybe part of me was, I was terrified.  Its took me a FULL MINUTE to find my voice.  I remember looking up at our speaker and wanting to tell him, Its ok, I want to do this, just give me a minute!  But then if I could of said that much, there would of been no problem anyhow, right?  After a quick prayer and several deep breaths, we were able to carry on.  Afterwards, everyone told me I had them on the edge of their seat.  I had you on the edge of your seat?  How do you think Geoff felt. Haha.


So if you've seen me viciously chewing my nails.  Or you seen the remains of a twisted dread lock looking hair.  Or even if you seen me cry after a horrible horrible comment?  I'll Be ok.  I'm working through it...